How Things Change

Dinner (Photo credit: Paul Watson)

So I’m totally shocked on how things change through time. You are a few years back from everything happening and all these promises and goals are set in place and a few years later… it’s like they never existed. Maybe it’s like they weren’t good enough to exist now. Maybe it’s like they were never meant to be real anyhow. Maybe it’s like you’re just too lazy to fulfill what was spoken of or promised to begin with.

I know so much of the world is against gay relationships and gay marriages and gay period. I have to say though, I know more gay couples that have been together for longer periods of time in real love and matrimony with their children and homes and lives than I do men and women couples. That’s not to say only gays do things right to stay together, but we aren’t allowed to marry so we have nothing to take for granted or advantage of. This is how I feel anyway. How many times do you see a straight couple get married so young and in the average of 2 to 5 years end up divorced. Even if it takes that long. Whether it be the sex was Awesome and then died down, whether it be someone became more attractive than your mate, whether it be someone’s true colors came out, whether it be plain boredom, or whether it be a blind mistake from karaoke.

We have nothing but time to get to know each other and be real with each other and plan our lives around the world and what the world will accept and enjoy. We have our homes, our jobs, our family, our recreations, our goals, our accomplishments and we share them equally with our loved ones whether we are men or women loving the same-sex. I know from my heart that marriage is MORE than just a piece of paper!! I know from my heart that UNION of spirits and souls is more than just I DO!! I know that my days of ignorance and stupidity are far from over and don’t expect to be perfect for the rest of my life. I also know that my love for my lady exists far beyond and deeper than I ever knew possible for anyone!! I know what it feels like to have “love at first sight”. I know what it feels like to be fully and truly engulfed in pure passion and delight for the person your in love with. I know when I wake up in the morning and go to bed at night, I have no regrets of my actions regardless of what the world thinks or tries to get me to believe. I know in my lifetime I have lost and gained many people because of who I was or was trying to be.

It started when I was real little and I noticed girls all the time. I was about 7 years old when it really hit me that I was different. I had boys hitting on my girl friends and all I could think of was, “yeah she’s cute”. I remember a boy who really liked me and we hung out all the time. I remember we were like best friends “outside of school” of course. Then one day he came up to me and tried to kiss me… good thing right? Well I was weirded out and disgusted. I didn’t know what to think about this and totally made fun of him. I thought this hanging out was only a friendship. buddy thing. I never realized it was more than that. I didn’t look at him like that. So I tried discussing this with my mother… good thing right? Not! I was yelled at and told how wrong it was to like girls instead of boys and that if a boy liked me I should be happy. Once again extremely confused.

Same Sex Marriage
Same Sex Marriage (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Well as the years passed and I began hiding in the church every chance I could, I dealt with the domestic drama from home and I dealt with my secret alone. Regardless of what everyone told me, I may have had a boyfriend that everyone could see but I also had a girlfriend they couldn’t see. I ran my life like this for a long time. I obviously couldn’t keep my girlfriends’ long cause they always found some boy or guy or man later that they wanted more. This got really depressing for me and for quite a while I allowed the view to the world to overcome my world. Everybody was happy and proud and loved my boyfriend or husband later on. However; nobody saw the real me except very few people. This included my best friend “at the time”, my girlfriend, “at the time”, and my ex-boyfriend, “at the time”.

Finally after my second marriage, I was introduced to the most gorgeous and absolute wonderful woman who I knew was the LOVE OF MY LIFE. I know that sounds bad, but I just knew at that moment when she walked out lighting a cigarette, with the look in her eyes and that smile on her face.. I knew by the intense emotions I had come up when we met eye to eye.. I knew when all this sudden I forgot my own name let a lone my husbands. . . I knew cause everything and everyone else disappeared like it was just me and her in our own little paradise drifting off into whatever life had to offer us.. Now regardless of my current emotion and reaction, I couldn’t let her or my husband know that.. so I continued on like it was nothing.. however I could not and would not take my eyes off hers very long. I did manage to glance at her hand and saw a ring on her finger so immediately I depressed whatever emotions or feelings that had come up. That was one of the best and most intense moments of my life. I finally felt comfortable with myself, I felt real with myself, I felt deeply interested in this new feeling with myself, and I for the first time in my life felt normal.

Well they say things happen for a reason. Low and behold.. I have my lovely lady years later.. I am deeply in love with her still… I am still entranced by her voice and moved by her eyes. I am still taken by surprise every time she kisses me and I now realize what it means to be truly in love.

As things move forward. we have both realized time flies fast when you are having fun! We are discussing things that gay people aren’t even allowed to think of.. and enjoying each others company regardless of what we are doing. I honestly didn’t realize you could be happy in a relationship and not fight and argue all the time, not wonder if it’s still only you in their life, not feel the urge to check on them all the time from historical events, not feel pressured to try to be intimate, and not doubt everything that comes from their mouth or actions. Like there is some secret endeavor there. It’s honestly weird to feel so free and yet to taken at the same time. To have that kind of trust and loyalty come automatically instead of waiting for that amenity to arrive. To have that given feeling of complete every time you hear their voice, same their name, see their picture, feel their touch, or just close your eyes and know they are there.

Time has passed quickly in five years and very quickly the last three. I have been married to a man who knew who and what I was when he got with me. He told me for years that he wanted me to find a woman and be myself and he was fine with that and loved me for me. However; I every time I finally gave in and allowed some female in my life, everything came to a screeching halt and we crashed. Trust, loyalty, honor, and honesty seemed to go out the door. So with our two children I did everything I could in the last three years to be real with it and actually try to keep this marriage thing going. Yet he saw through it and finally he moved on… though with was adulterous.. he grabbed on to something else that seemed to be better than me. With all the promises of continuation that our parenting was, the habits we believed in, the goals of our children still hanging in the air, and the obvious notation that things were not working, he moved on and finally I moved on.

Promises (The Cranberries song)
Promises (The Cranberries song) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Now he’s in his own little world happy with his girl. Don’t get me wrong.. I’m glad he’s happy! However all these promises that were so real years ago when they were said.. don’t seem to exist anymore. His boys are feeling the abandonment. His oldest that he has faithfully adopted by heart, feels heartbroken and deceived by his father. He claims he never gets to spend any one on one time anymore. He claims that his dad doesn’t seem to want to talk to him real heart to heart anymore and won’t tell him the truth. He says every time he tries to talk to him, he changes the subject and treats him like he’s stupid. He tells me that his dad is always whispering around him and he doesn’t like it. He feels it’s rude and he never used to do that. How do you tell a child that dad has moved on and things change? How do you tell a child that you love dearly that daddy has new goals and a new agenda and he’s currently not apart of it?

I mean the name change was a dream come true for him! The adoption used to be so important, but seems to be a thing of the past. The move was needed so a family could be built, but all plans of deeds, titles, and insurances are now out the window. It was a clear wakeup call when I was told not to worry about visitation rules, because we’d just do something when and if we had the time. It brought tears to my eyes that all those conversations that seemed to mean so much and be so real.. have just faded away with broken promises and empty hopes.

I actually had my youngest look at me and say, “why should I care? Why should I believe that he’s going to see me, when he doesn’t even see his daughter?” How do you explain that? What do you say to that? How can you correct the strong emotions that are coming from this child’s mouth? I won’t lie to my kids. I won’t put good little stories in their heads to make everything seem alright. I refused to paint pretty pictures that aren’t there. Instead I state the positive that is there. I state the facts that can put some hope back into their lives and hearts. My lady may not be daddy and isn’t trying to be daddy, but she’s there. She puts her word on stone when she says it. She’s real about her feelings, actions, intentions, and plans. I had repeated to them several times that daddy does love them, but he’s busy getting things situated right now. I have stated we at the house are all here for them for whatever their little hearts or minds need. Hopefully this will sink in and things will calm down.

Well the continued dream of having a family, home, job, love life, and bright future continues. There are many more road blocks out there trying to show and tell us that these things are not possible or even allowed for our kind. However; I firmly believe you can’t control who you fall in love with. I believe everything happens for a reason. I believe in the end what was supposed to be.. will be..

So with these things in mind.. I’m gay.. or lesbian whichever floats your boat.. I am very happy and deeply in love.. I have three wonderful boys and a joyous deeply hurt little girl.. I have a beautiful home that I hope to have a full deed to one day.. I have three wonderful little furry family member that have my heart deeply.. and I am very proud and down right real about all of it!

Appreciate Beauty!
Appreciate Beauty! (Photo credit: sirwiseowl)

It’s what’s in our hearts that drives us, but our minds are what holds us back! If we could learn to let go and realize we can’t control the future but we can sure help it along in the right direction.. maybe we wouldn’t see in colors and shapes anymore.. maybe we wouldn’t judge by the science we know or the one religion out of thousands that was engrained in us.. maybe we could just open our hearts and minds and realize it really is a beautiful place to live if we could just appreciate EVERYTHING that has been put in front of us.