Live and Learn!!

Abstract Colorful Universe Wallpaper - TTdesign
Abstract Colorful Universe Wallpaper – TTdesign (Photo credit: tomt6788)

So I’m a little irritated and somewhere depressed today! I have recently figured out that my life sucks on a extra curricular activity sense. It seems like every time summer or winter come around and there are things to do or places to go.. I can‘t go. Now this may seem or sound selfish, but every body else gets to be apart of it. It doesn’t matter where or what it is either. .  I’m out here busting my ass in every way i can to make ends meet and they all get to go have fun. I love that my kids and partner and of course dad get to be apart of so many things. Just hurts that I get left behind all the time. I will never get to just go and experience something with my family with no sense of hurry and full of fun and activity. I miss the family trips, I miss the beach, I miss the show, I miss the anniversaries, I miss the reunions, I miss the whole damn thing!! I won’t get to see the holiday celebrations, I won’t get to be apart of my kids’ get together. I won’t get to be apart of anything that means anything to anyone except bills and bills and work and oh wait.. more bills.

Totally sucks!!! Depressing is an understatement. I just have to sit idle and watch everyone have fun and listen to it all go by. The sad part is I can’t even bring myself to feel or say that it’s not fair.. stay home. Cause I know that’s not fair and we don’t all need to be tortured and stuck to the house. Especially when your only activity you get to look forward to is drinking at a bon fire for a couple of hours and then bed. I guess that is good and should be really looked on in a positive manner. I love that my sons are getting to do things and go places! I love that my partner gets to do things that she never got to in the first place! I love to see my dad so happy and getting active again. I just get down when I realize I don’t get to be anywhere near apart of any of it.

I wish I could take my kids camping and be able to handle it. I wish I could take my kids to the zoo and the museum and the beach and frankly the festivals and fairs. I don’t and won’t and I am coming to understand this in every way my little mind will see fit. However; it does get depressing. . .

Maybe some day I will get the balls to actually send out a few bucks to start my own at home business crafting for other stores and such. Then I could actually make a paycheck and take my kids places. I could feel good about being with my family when we  could go places. I could sit back and watch them grow before they outgrow me and I get to chill for a sec and realized I missed it all. I pray that I will get to spend some time with my girl that WE both could enjoy! I would love to run away for a weekend with her and go on a cruise.. go on an open road trip.. go to some strange get away.. go anywhere and just be together doing it.

I finally had a walk along a beach.. always said I wanted to.. always said I enjoyed it.. always kept quiet if anyone wanted to go.. but I finally got to go.. I will tell you what… you never do forget your first walk on the beach hand in hand watching the lightning and feeling the breeze cross your skin. You never do forget all those beautiful sounds of nature that come whistling by your ear when you are walking lightly on the sand anticipating every step as another of mystery. When there is no one around and all you get to see, hear, feel, know, and find out is about the one holding your hand. When your heart starts going a million miles an hour and your hands start to sweat even though you know the breeze keeps you cool. When your eyes meet every few seconds only to see the glimmer you both have saying “I Love You” without saying a word. It was soooooo romantic! It was so entrancing. It was so surreal. It just makes me wonder about the fulfillment of whatever else our experiences have ahead for us. I can’t just imagine. It’s so calming and awesome to know that in the end all that matters is that we got to do it together and experience it together.

It’s so funny to feel like a little school girl every time I turn around! There’s never a boring day! There’s never a tight situation that makes you feel uncomfortable! There’s no lies, no cheating, no stealing, no worries! No doubts! It’s so weird to not have doubts about everything when you are doing something or they are doing something.

I had a conversation last night that I thought was going to kill me to try to get through. Surprisingly I made it through and felt really good afterward. I took a serious thought process and some real deep digging to see if I was going to be able to stick through with the little bit of strength and trust I had left. However; with the courage and strength I get from being with my partner for 9 months.. I made it through!

Well I guess they say you live and learn.. I lived.. I’m living more.. and OH BOY and I’m learning..