So I had this weird link show up as a response yesterday.. well I should say 3am this morning that caused me to call upon a good friend of mine from “back in the day”. Evidently it was some weird confessional that led to a spam issue that was coming across several pages. I still don’t understand why they chose my page since the page they chose has been un-active for years. It was kind of funny in a way cause it showed me how long it takes for my pages to get viewed. Well it did lead to a very interesting conversation with my friend and come to find out he needed someone to talk to as it was. So other than the fact that it took till about 5 am to release the conversation, it was a very needed email I say.
In the other side of life I have been in a steady same-sex relationship with my partner since just about 8 months ago. I have never been happier and frankly kind of wished I would have gone against the family wishes long time ago. Since everything I have done thus far was against the family wishes. I cut my hair, got a house, got a car, got with the woman of my dreams, had 2 kids, quit one job to be happy with another, looking into an at home job for extra money as well as something to eventually bring me home with my kids at night. (I miss those days).
Low and behold all I had to do was follow my heart and just actually do what I really wanted to do. So I have thoroughly pissed off my mother and she seems to think since I can’t see her very often because of my house situation… or whatever she thinks of that day… that I am just going to up and change things for her. First of all she never changed things for me when i was growing up regardless of what I asked of her or begged her to try.. second of all.. she never cared of lick of what I was doing unless it benefited her in some way shape or form.. third of all.. I’m a grown woman and frankly I’m not out to try pleasing her anymore.
years to please that woman in every way that I could. I mean if she said jump I jumped.. if she said roll over I was already there. I hated living like that but it seemed to be the only way to get her attention and keep her happy with me or at least fake like she was impressed half the time.
So now older and wiser I have discovered no one can live for me and make my decisions regardless of how right everyone wants to be. No one can sit back and feel the breeze when I have done everything to make everything right in my world for whom I love the most and dearest. ( My children). Only I can sit back and know that the decisions I have made regardless of “stupid” I was when I did them,, all happened for a reason. Only I can look over the years and see that in my crazed opinions that I had to see it my way.. something made sense or I wouldn’t be where I am today.
I am living a very open happy loving life with my partner and 4 kids. Which brings me to another point.. I have two natural kids of my own and as life has it things have come up that had me take on two more. I have no problem with this since I love kids and would do anything to keep a kid happy and healthy. I have a little boy whom grew up in a tough love life with no real order and a little girl that had a mother leave her with no warning or questions asked long time ago. I was not waiting or wanting for this to happen, but it did and I have realized that our Creator puts things in front of us for whatever lesson that we need to learn or tribulation that we need to go through. So I took these two on with no questions asked as my own. I love them both dearly just as I do my own and I believe with the roof over their head, the clothes on the body, the food in their tummies, and the education they both get that I have done a pretty good job taking on things that I never really intended on taking on in the beginning.
My four kids are my life and I love to see them smile!! I love to hear their laugh!! I love getting swarmed at the door with how “good” they were for the day or what they “learned”. I love getting the hugs and kisses and being told how awesome it is to have a mother they can count on and look forward to seeing everyday whenever they get a chance to see me. I absolutely love it!!!
Now as far as my love life… well that is a whole new chapter that I am definitely trying to get used to. I have someone by my side for the “long haul” as it was put. That isn’t afraid to step up to responsibility whether it be shopping, paying bills, feeding, spending time with, or even discipline. I have someone that loves me and my kids for who we are and what we have come through regardless of what crap it brought us. I have someone that I have come to have more feelings for with a deeper love than I knew was actually possible. I really never understood the “love” songs that I hear on the radio till now. I didn’t think any of this fate stuff was real and surely didn’t think any of my poetry that I wrote about when I was younger would actually make any sense.. It is so awesome to come home to a woman or partner that just enjoys the fact that I am who I am and tells me on a daily basis how beautiful, sexy, talented, smart, or even Amazing I am. I love when she touches me, gives me loveyz, or even just cuddles with me. When I go to bed at night, I actually look forward to the feeling I get when I lay next to her and the fact every-time is still like the first time. Every kiss is still just like the first kiss! Every glance is still the first glance! Every I love you still sends chills down my spine.. just like the first time!! I get butterflies in my stomach when she smiles at me, I get sweaty hands and nervous when she is near me, I get all flustered and crazy minded when she and I are spending time together. Even if it’s just a car ride to work or back. When we hold hands it’s like our connection is just so magnetic and strong that our energies combine to this immense aura!! This almost unbreakable bond that just seems so natural! Like it’s been there for years and we both never knew it!!! They say follow your heart regardless of the cost. Well mine was a kick in the ass from a cheating husband! Mine was a heart break from a suspicion of my best friend of many years! Mine was an enlightenment from a dear friendship that was emotional mishaps from a situation that never should have been tried. Mine ended up me getting hurt by what I knew was coming to begin with .. but as I have said before.. was trying to please my mother instead of being who I am. Mine was the absolute love of my life texting me for advice with her life.. and me finally hesitantly dealing with the emotions that came about in a very careful fashion.. answering back. Now … well all is supposed to be history!! However I consider it future!! This is because there is nothing to regret in the past.. but yourself since you were the one who made the decisions, but if you didn’t make those decisions. you wouldn’t be where you are today! So mine is the future because there is nothing left but the future!!!
The future of my partner “possibly” becoming my wife one day! The future of my kids living happily with us and going through school with great intentions of being the best they can be! The future of my father losing weight, quitting smoking, and getting to spend much more time outdoors with the family than he could before! The future of actually getting the house, paying off my loans, paying off my debts, and upgrading the house to more energy efficient appliances to save more money! The future of going on family vacations including the Detroit Zoo, Renaissance festival, and whatever our little hearts desire! The future of one day going on a 3 day cruise with my partner in case I actually make her my official fiancée! The future of all these and many more to come… that’s what I consider all of this!!!
So my lessons learned? Well follow your heart!! Follow your heart!!! oh and did I mention.. FOLLOW YOUR HEART!!!!!
- Love is . . . (rubylane.com)
- Romentimental Story (collectionstories.wordpress.com)
- Two Souls on Two Barstools. (scooterjulz.wordpress.com)
- I’m Not that Girl! (blogbosebastian.wordpress.com)
- What is a friend? (keepbeingstrong.wordpress.com)