What do you do?

So heres the gig my dad has some weird type of grudge on me that i think has to do with his daughter. I seriously feel like his depression is so deep hes taking it out on everyone else. Hes biting my head off left and right and claims he feels like im not treating all the kids the same. I get tired of her getting away with anything and everything and she can tell him anything and he believes her. So i was working on a weight loss thing for him to help and he just doesnt seem to care. Almost about anything. I really dont get it!! I dont know what else to do that will be worth the effort. Im losing my dad and theirs nothing i can do about it. Girly is just growing up and getting more mature and more deceitful. This is all normal for her age but he just doesnt get the fact that she needs to be brought down back to rules and reality.

His ass nine behavior is really getting on my nerves!!!

Now for the other house hold problems.. the problems seem to be stacking up higher n higher.. the misunderstandings seem to be stacking up higher n higher.. the hidden anger seems to be getting deeper and deeper.. n now im trapped in a world between my bestfriend and my love of my life. Wait this sounds kind of familiar… sounds something thats going on now…

That brings up another issue.. when you go back so many years with someone… where do you draw the line.. for acceptable behavior with that person when you are with a other in a serious relationship? I thought i had this tacked down pretty good and understood it as it was supposed to be.. however new information comes to light that i evidently dont understand it as well as i thought i did. Im confused at this point and dont know what to think or do. In one hand i understand the years of friendship behind 2 people believe me i do.. i also understand the bond that you carry that may bring up other circumstances.. ive so been there but in the same aspect.. i dont feel that ive held anyone to a double standard.. i feel i have reacted appropriately to given requests.. i feel my current reaction to given situation is only fair… since all the secrecy that lined up with it… now was the secrecy on purpose … not necessarily… but overall energies and actions.. body language.. and facial expressions followed by a particular comment… that brings up some red flags.

So then theres my mother whom i love dearly and wish i had a better relationship with.. the only time this woman calls me or remotely stops by.. is when she wants something. The sad part is.. it doesnt faze her that im noy around until.. she needs something from me… now im to spend my days off with my gas money.. to go do work for her that she needs so badly… cause a certain other person wont do it for her..

So yeah .. im a little stressed n upset n hurt n confused n frankly feel like having a drink.. as bad as that sounds.. i miss my love regardless of the energies n feelings n whatever else is there… i miss her being the one i can talk to n feeling like she actually gives two shits about what im saying.

Is it bad that i kind of feel like shutting down and locking up so that she can go do what she feels froggy to do?? I dont get it … why do i do this stuff??? I guess if i shut down then i dont have to worry about getting hurt again.. thats bad right? Well its always worked for me!!! If i shut down my energies.. i dont have to feel the strength of emotions that come flooding through.. whether it be fear.. hurt.. hate.. anger.. jealousy.. or even causing flashbacks.. boy do i have plenty of those.. flashbacks that is…

I really dont know how to feel at this point.. i dont know what to think.. i dont know .. what to expect.. i just dont know..

Its not that im not understanding or that i dont care about further circumstances.. i do.. i just feel a bit overloaded with emotions… yeah thats why you get to see me shutting down… and withdrawing… hmmm back to the drawing board…

Advertisements