You are the one..

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For some reason this hit me pretty deep lately when my love told me this in one of our very deep sensual conversations. I love how I look all my life for the perfect man (as we all seem to do) and then when I find him, he knows me so well that he accepted me and who I was before I was able to.

I’ve recently discovered that I do somewhat hide in my poetry as well as vent or release, but in the same thing I use it to keep from actually releasing a part of me that needs to be known so bad. The sad part is . . . I’m the one that needs to know. I have experienced many things in my life, but never pushed for the really deep dark things that my mind travels to. I have always kept them very private from even my best friend, lover or whomever else. I have never let them go farther than my little messed up mind. I have thought of them often and wrote of them when I felt the need, but never actually let go and just let them be free.

I’ve hid from myself for so long that when I did let me out, I was terrified to realize that reality behind it. Was there a reality behind all my sick little minded parts of me that I felt were so sensual and deep, but kept more than private? Was there a part of me that was only willing to let go the worldly acceptance part that cried daily of the personal lies I told myself to keep everyone happy? You know what? It’s really hard to actually admit to yourself that all this time you have been living a lie, but only in the sake that you are trying to please everyone else but yourself. Plus, you come to realize that pleasing everyone else has been such a duty for you that you don’t realize it’s more of an addiction than a life serving duty.

Well, the other comment that killed me in this conversation was “that’s not really fair to you. . . now is it!” and frankly I’m not use to being with or around someone that actually cared what was good for me instead of them. I mean I am so stuck on making everyone else happy that when it comes to making a bit of me happy I end up depressed and confused. Is this that sad? Is this that wrong? Is this that fair? Well, my love is helping me understand and realize it’s time to come out of hiding. It’s time to come out of my shell that I had created and lived in so absolutely comfortably for so long. It’s like coming out of a prison that you have been in for 26 years of your life only to come into the same fantasy as a reality that you have had instilled in your imagination for all those years that only existed in your dreams. How would you react? I am really confused at this point, but it’s not because someone has planted something in my head this time…. it’s because someone I love dearly is taking stuff out of my head that doesn’t belong there that people I have considered close all my life and for the past 12 years have drilled in my head to a point of what I thought was no return.

So what do you say when someone brings you out of your life long self made prison and says to you, “I told you I’m going to free you!!!” and your heart pounds and your body sweats with a hope of a chance to come back with something to say or at least sound half way prepared for a comment of such heart and soul put into it . . . but plain truth set in it. I’m still not sure what to do with this or think on this. I’m still not sure what to think of myself or my life now that this change has occurred for a chance to free myself from this torture I called a life. I guess that is what my writing is for or so I thought for so long. I’m starting to believe and realize that for once I can have faith in myself as to what I feel and what I think instead of what I’m told to think and do.

I have a feeling there are many more conversations like this coming soon and again I will be speechless and concerned with my heart and sweat and mind circling around such subjects out loud that not even the night has the privilege of knowing about me. It kills me almost to think this way, but I may not even know me as well as I thought I did or I do and just could or didn’t want to admit it in a sense that someone might actually accept me for what and who I am.
I will admit in just about every way that I am not your average woman in any fashion and I’m weird and strange in just about every factor and possibility that can come about, but you know that’s me. My family has ridiculed me for it for years and I’ve done nothing but stand by and tear myself apart for it for years. Now it’s my turn to lead my life and know me. Now it’s time for me to finally trust myself and as my love of my life says, “accept me”

It will be interesting to see what the days ahead bring in such circumstances or even details. It will be interesting to see what he sees one more time that I have been hiding from even myself for many years. It will be interesting to see what he can show me to open up to myself and my life. I loved him 8 years ago when I first saw him and I love him now, but I will tell you what. . . I can finally say I can and will love myself if not just as much . . . then even more than I have loved him because he has begun to free me in a way that no one else in my life could or would ever have a chance to do if they even tried. The best part of it all is even though he is freeing a part of me even I never knew about, he has already accepted it and everything that comes with it good and bad because he loves “ME” and everything that comes with me. Now that’s real love!!!!! I’m glad I get to experience the fact I love ME!!!!