What the fuck do you do when you realize your life has been a joke. When you realize everything you have worked for to be honest and real and completely true has been nothing but a transparent excuse to continue on easy street. I’m given the opportunity to actually do right by myself as well as my kids. Now I have taken the move and after great depth of thought and continual mental beatings, I do realize that I am stuck in a situation in my life that the door to reality is finally here. I have finally come to a realization of what alone really is. Push everyone away that mattered for the better of my life decision and then whoever doesn’t get pushed away pushes themselves away for fear that my life decision might infect them. Yes didn’t you know, being a lesbian can infect someone.. or at least it seems that way to say the least. I wish I understood this to a better standard.

I don’t get it, the world is so big on happiness and reality and not lying to our kids and trying to make the world a better place… but as soon as someone has a chance to be happy and be real and finally know exactly what they want and who they are.. if it’s not what the world has told you to do or expected from the beginning.. then well you are a piece of shit and they will do anything they can to make your life a living hell.

The plain fact is, no matter what I ever do or want to be apart of, my life will never be the same in a partnership equality standpoint because my religious state doesn’t believe that two males or two females can actually love each other and live together as one unit in a legal way as well as a physically recognized way. I wish I could understand why I have to be a single mother for the rest of my life.. which by the way was the biggest thing I never wanted to be from a child to an adult. I always told myself that I would not become a single mother as my mother became one. Now I don’t have a choice of the matter since that’s the only way for me to be myself and actually be real with it.

I know there are lesbian all over that dealing with this and I know I am not special in anyway, but I have never had to deal with this head on as I have now. I don’t know what to think or do and frankly I feel as if I have run into a brick wall regardless. I am not sure what’s limiting me more, my life style or my decision making process of what do with it. I really wish I could have more control or handle on what’s going on, but in the end I have to come to the realization holding on a male in my life for my kids that I am not with and won’t be with, is not right for him regardless of what he tries to convince me of at this point.

I also know that deep down unless you are apart of something so important to build it with them from the beginning, it’s hard to come right in the middle of it and expect them to allow you into it.. regardless of feelings.

I know I have so many walls that want to rise for the protection of myself and my feelings until I can figure things out with what’s going on. I will never be an equal in a partnership or relationship again and it fucking sucks. I have to lower my own lifestyle to be equal or I have to allow my real self to come out and know deep down that I am alone for the rest of my life. Not only is my family going to black list me in all aspects, but I will lose my family I gained by this partnership agreement that occurred with a man. Now on top of all this, I have to realize and know that in the end I am the enemy!!!

I’m the fuck up and I’m the mess up and I’m the one that everyone gets to laugh at and never have respect for and frankly I am getting mother fucking used to it. I am one of the best people I know, did everything right, and frankly stayed in school, pleased everyone around me (or so I thought), and now it comes down to the fact.. none of it matters.

Who the fuck knew that 30 years down the road, I will have lost my best friend over a man, I will have lost and gained my son again, over a man, I will have lost my life comfort over a man, I will have misunderstood everything again.. cause once again I can’t and won’t be with a man.