When you can’t find the words to tell it like it is….
I’m not sure how else to say this, but just plain shout it out. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore being married. I was staying married to a man to keep the insurance alive and the disability there for the kids foremost, but for myself as well. I know that disability is not going anywhere.. Not sure anymore if it would just be easier to take him off the case and or divorce him to get some assistance again that would help with this family moving along. I have to sit back and think and wonder where I was at in my head..
I really wish I knew what to do now.. especially since I am asking myself on a daily basis anymore what I am doing and why? How am I supposed to be and say that I am honest with myself, when I can’t even be honest in my life. I have this paper keeping me from the actual connection with my woman and yet it is still early, I have to hope and look forward to the possibility of us moving farther than sneaking around the kids and wishing everybody understood our well-being and emotional standing with each other without the judgement. I know I get looks on a daily freaking basis when I stand back and mention my girlfriend, partner, or lover.. and now children’s’ caretaker. I am very proud to be with her and love the fact that I am with a real lesbian to say the least.
It is such a personal struggle within to reach out and mention and hope that in the end they will all understand and there will never be this internal punishment for what life choice or emotional standing has been brought up for me and her. I’ve known for years she has known what she is and who she is and that it took her years of struggle with herself to sit back and just know deep down inside she had no problem looking herself in the mirror.
I also know that in the end I can sit back with pride on my shoulders and a smile on my face and know that when I look into the mirror I am finally who I knew I always was regardless of the ease of life choices and the pressures. I also know that some day it will all make sense to myself, my family, and those that follow being friends or acquaintances. I do hope in some way down the road that this becomes more than just this realization and hope. I hope that it becomes a strong sense of being and a strong sense of wellness on our internal as well as our external selves and lives.
Again I know she is and always will be who she is, but I also know that she will always be deep down what I always hoped I could finally come to face. She has this energy that just screams I’m confident, beautiful, and very lesbian. She just walks into a room and it’s like all the women just instantly feel comfortable with her as their possible girl, sidekick lesbian, or just fun-loving good time. It’s so interesting to see and watch as she just naturally picks up the energies of women and makes them feel so good about themselves as women or as lesbians closet or not.
I’ve watched how she can make the most confident women … go humble… the most gorgeous women doubt themselves instantly…. the most intelligent women wonder if they said something wrong… the most undeniably self-controlled women not able to keep their distance. For sure she is a very confident self-reliant woman who like any woman would obviously cry to gain attention to, but in the end I have to stand back and just know that I am the one who carries her night-clothes when she goes to bed.
So when it comes down to it, in a sexual manner.. I do realize that I am a little less aggressive on the outside when it comes to being out right gay or lesbian, but I have this inner part of me that opens up when I get a couple of drinks.. that can swoon a woman in a heart beat and make her go from straight to gay with a flick of my tongue.. However I am not the one that can in any sober moment walk in a room and change the entire atmosphere regardless of gender or race… making the population stand still and question themselves regardless of what they stand by or who they are..
Am I comfortable with this.. well it takes some getting used to and I will definitely be working on getting used to that since that is who she is.. but in the end .. this is what I asked for and I know it… so …
What do you say in a moment like this???
- Oh, Yes, “Creating Change” (bugbrennan.com)
- Fighting Over Marriage, Part 1: Who Really Wants It, Anyway?? (queerguesscode.wordpress.com)
- Complexities of Coming Out: The Jodie Foster Edition (blogher.com)
- How to be a lesbian (fcs2.wordpress.com)