In the time of a day you got to wonder what did I miss that was so important? In the time of a year you got to wonder what didn’t I see that was done? I live day by day asking myself what else I could have done that day that would have made my day worth it. I can’t stand sitting by and just watching a day go by for any reason. I hate the idea that a day has been wasted or even an hour unless I’m sleeping. I feel sleep is a very adequate reason to rest during a day or night. Granted I’m more likely to do it at day than night since I spend most my nights either working or getting things done. I’m making phone calls, I’m setting appointments, doing medications, organizing children’ activities as much as humanly possible, and whatever else I can think of to do other than check my email and blog.
I’m not sure why this is, but it seems to make sense to me when I sit down at night and can name off many things that I got done that day regardless of what else I had to do. I hate the thought that I could have done something in even a few minutes of the day and didn’t get to because I went to the restroom, fell asleep, got caught in a movie, or whatever else came along that wasn’t in dire need of my task list of the day. I really hope every minute of every day that everything that could have been scheduled, paid for, or organized was and did. The fact that I have to come home to a room that is trashed because there’s just no time to actually put into it from my own day, and well there must not be any time put into from another person’s day either because they can never seem to bring themselves to do it either for whatever reason they have. It’s not really anyone’s fault but my own.
I know I lax back on doing it over and over and over again when I feel I’ve done it over and over and over already when people are not around to make it all make sense and now we need some very important information for our bankruptcy and we can’t find it because oh yeah.. my lazy ass got tired of tearing the room apart to find what I obviously put in some weird off the wall place that probably didn’t have any purpose or meaning in the first place.
So I guess in the end it’s the whole question to yourself “what’s important in this moment of today?” I hope to find out in the end instead of tripping when I can’t get everything to stay the way I wish I could get it to stay and now I have someone coming in and helping out to get things back together to make sense again and I feel and wonder to myself if they do get back to where they make sense again, will I be able to keep my sanity long enough to keep it that way. The kids are my responsibility and I know it. My room is my responsibility and I know it. The living room is my responsibility and I know it, but on top of all the other stuff I try to keep straight… seriously it just seems to keep slamming me in the face and swearing at me instead of stepping back and reminding me it’s OK, “nobody is perfect” and there’s always time to improve.
So what am I fighting for in the end? What time am I fighting for? What purpose of reason am I fighting for? What common ground with myself am I fighting for? What are of expertise am I fighting for? What fucking reality am I fighting for?
Honestly I don’t really know! I don’t know who I am trying to impress! I don’t know what I am trying to impress for or even if I’m trying to impress at all! Honestly I don’t know why I trip so hard on something that should be so easily understood regardless of all the anxiety that pops up out of nowhere. I don’t know what I should be thinking when my heart beats faster and faster and my palms sweat with an uncontrollable shake to them or even when my eyes flicker in pain so much from the welts and tears built up of self pity that I can’t possibly keep up with all that goes on in my head.
The sad part is … they say to do lists are supposed to help… really??