Throwing it all out there…

Emotional outburst
Image by bricolage.108 via Flickr

OK so my kids are not perfect and granted they drive me up a wall, but I’ve always treated her just as equal as mine and I’ve never said I will never do it again if it’s that important. Now because he’s three years old and seems to be going on strike all the time from behaving, eating, pottying, or whatever he can come up with… I’m butting heads with everyone and everything. I really don’t get it. Some homeboy doesn’t get any in god knows how long and can’t seam to find anyone that can or will give him a shot to do it, now everyone else gets the empty hand basket thrown at them.

I feel bad enough as it is that my littlest isn’t eating like he’s supposed to and my oldest is struggling to keep sane and be apart of the family. I feel bad enough as it is that my sanity lies in the future conversations of a mini k9 that seems to be more than connected at my hip. However our conversations have gotten deeper and more understood since the stress of the world has been placed ever so delicately on my shoulders. I wish I had all the answers and the ways of reason that solved anything that went wrong or seemed to be needed.

I really wish I could just stand back and watch things go down and ignore the emotions in between each event that took place in my world. Especially when they aren’t my emotions to begin with. It’s like I don’t have a choice in the emotions crowding my view and way of thinking. It’s like I can’t control when tears come to my eyes from someone Else’s world or dreams that didn’t become or that can’t situate. Instead I stand back with my head held high in the dusk of the day and say, ” yes I can ” and wonder why at the nightfall of my thought process that everything comes crashing down around me within my words and writing. Sometimes whoever has decided to be apart of my world at that moment in time.

Now there’s always the stress relievers of the day that always count. Of course my new found world of understanding and sweetness. I have texts, voice mails, visits, kisses, and many other awesome things to look forward to in my line of communication and emotional contact. With no regrets or worries of anyone walking away from a shameful time or event.

I love my kids and I love my world and everything in it, but in the end I have never and will never just up and decide that my time and energy is wasted when a child doesn’t please my every waking moment or action that is properly adjusted per content of placement for my decisions. That probably didn’t make any sense to you, but it did to me for what I wrote of it.

Why is it that I’m so attached to being used and abused and straight up the blame of whatever doesn’t go right that I feel I have to jump on board and pretend to ” fix ” the world. I know what it all boils down to, my misunderstanding, their irritant, and our energies colliding in the mean time. Once again that whole part of me that can’t control the energies I feel. I can forgive and always do, but sometimes I really do wonder if I really should.

When your body is set free
because your mind can be
Your heart’s on fire
with all the desire

Your mind so tired
from trusting the wired
Little secrets untold
a life to slowly unfold

Now to be yourself
It’s all about your health
It’s about what you want
Not what they flaunt

Think about it more
Talk about it more
Feel about it more
I want so much more…

Little things I felt like throwing out there.. again not to make sense, but to be real.

I beginning to understand and slowly peel away all this dead skin in this life I play. It’s going to take time some time and that’s all I’ve got. The only one’s that need to understand …. will…

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