How in the fuck can someone expect a woman to be herself and let out her creativity and longing for a passionate understanding when she’s been nothing but ridiculed by her passions and reality her whole life. When all the beatings, molestations, rapes, demeaning, devouring, and most of all intoxication’s were so intense that there was no chance to be let go in a world of such hate and religious bullshit. So stuck in a world of pure blindness that they can’t even trust one’s own emotions and feelings compared to what others think or feel about them. When you grow up and all your life you are taken advantage of by men in every way. They drug you, intoxicate you, lie to you, use you, photograph you, fuck you, sell you, and everything else that they can think of at that time, it’s hard to really be able to come out to your family and tell them things that happen and who have done them. Especially when they do nothing but look down on you for all that you are and what they feel you’ve become.
Somehow in their greedy bullshit little worlds, it’s become important to them to degrade you and what you stand for in every way you might have a possibility of finally seeing and seeking the truth. I’ve been a lesbian my whole life and I will tell you one thing. It has been one of the hardest and most depth challenging thing I’ve ever taken on, to hide this and keep it dark and keep within so that I would not be judged or punished. For this reason, I put up with the world’s view of a woman, and continued being with men. Unfortunately I was a very easy victim and was taken advantage of at every turn they could once they found my weak spot.
I grew up abused and neglected on more than one occassion and to say the least, I hid it well. I didn’t have friends and sure didn’t have family. No one liked me cause I couldn’t keep my mouth shut about stuff that was wrong and I wasn’t going to just sit there and be an object of comedy for whoever decided to step onto stage with something to say. I was easily gullable and my sister was big for taking advantage of that. I have always had a poor memory and frankly my mother never believed that. I was molested and raped within many years of different men that decided I was their play toy for that evening. The real problem with this became when my mother was oblivious to it and finally just didn’t care. She would tell me that I was lying and needed to grow up or I was not “above” that.
Somehow I have never taken this very lightly and still proceed to be very dark about it regardless of its meaning. I love my family regardless but all my life I’ve been drugged and raped and molested by several men. The sad part is, it was easier to put up with that and have my family love me for being with a man, than it was to be me. So I would go “undercover” so to speak and have my women with out anyone knowing in the midst of trying to be with a man. I loved being with women and always loved everything about them. I have always had a passion for everything a woman was regardless of whatever anyone thought they knew about me.
Now within my own little kingdom I have always had my dream woman and boy have I tried to keep a woman in a real relationship to the best of my ability, but could never find a woman that was real about women the way that I was. For some reason, they would be all about the sex and what I could do for them, but then when it came down to seriousness and emotions, they ran from what they really down deep felt awesome about. Granted I have always known from my own life that it is not easy being a lesbian and I would never claim to any fact different than that, but in the same aspect; I have this issue with not being able to find a woman that wasn’t just out to have me pleasuring her in whatever way she felt she wanted to scream and orgasm that day. I wanted a woman that was proud to have me next to her in the stores or even on couch enjoying a good horror flick.
I feel I have more than done my time in life for the fact that I am a woman lover and always have been. Unfortunately I do have family and friends that are not ok with that and I know that. I also know I used to have a best friend of fourteen years that told me “you can only be what you are meant to be, if that means you are meant to be with a woman.. then that’s who you need to be with” I love her to this day for that.
Well I have much more to say, but I will leave on that note..
Readers beware… the truth beholds you!!!
- Eye of the Beholder (parentalalienationnj.wordpress.com)
- Why I’m Not Vulerable. (rachaeleden67.wordpress.com)