Later down the road.. there were friendships..

It’s so funny how our lives fall into place and what it means toward the next challenge. I have had few real friends in my life and frankly the ones that I considered real have each one by one left in one way or another. Most out of their control, but it’s interesting to see how things fall into place. I had a best friend by the name of Kayleen when i was a young child and after all the time we spent together, I brought chap stick or lip gloss to school one day and she tried it on. From that point on, she never came to school again, but my mother was given a phone call and told to keep that girl away from her daughter since she was such a bad influence.

Later down the road, I met another friend whom I was inseparable with. Then of course we spent time and started to see our different ways and paths and after a tragic event took her kids from her and some huge mis-communication, I got an email telling me I was not worthy of her friendship anymore after 12 years of being friends. Words and misunderstandings and mis-beliefs pulled us apart. Once again, I lost a very best friend of mine over something so misunderstood.

Later down the road, I met another friend whom I fell for immensely and strangely we were inseparable to say the least. My kid became his and our lives were on a right track to a great start regardless of my usual orientation. I promised I wanted him and would no longer do the woman thing. Then once again, his bond with his mother touched our relationship wrong and a complete misunderstanding and denial pulled us apart. Of course it didn’t stay that simple, because our friendship grew over the years even after and grew. The next thing you know our communication strayed a bit and after a tragic accident, regardless of our times together and conversations.. I lost him. Once again bad misconceptions and realities that happened there.

Later down the road, I had developed a friendship with a man I now call my dad and married his son. Within this friendship we had made an agreement that he had changed his life from what it was when we met and before. I told him if he ever turned up like that again with all the drinking, drugging, whoring around, pill popping, lying, cheating, or stealing… we were done. Then I get a phone call telling me, my friend regardless of the times and conversations we’ve had and the promises we made as our friendship grew, broke our agreement with one selfish thought and continued his actions to a drawn out conclusion that nothing mattered.. and BAM… friendship on a roller coaster again.. trust GONE,,

Later down the road, I have a conversation with the man I call my dad and within just a couple of words I realize he needs his mother and now has the opportunity to spend with her in her last days. So what do I foresee.. another friendship with a dying communication and a grieving depression that pushes him farther away from our bond that has been so undoubtedly tighter than another other father daughter relationship I have ever had.

Later down the road, my woman receives a phone call that draws her away from our relationship focus.. but toward a financial aspect regardless of distance it takes her to get there or the time spent to accomplish it. Our friendship has grown in immensity and more than made up for it’s time that we’ve have been emotionally and physically putting into it. .

I have loved and equally lost the awesome friendship that I have had with each of these people. Sure I talk with them and spend time here and there, but I know down deep it will never be the same and it fucking hurts to know.. I helped each one just as they helped me and I can show nothing for it… except that only time tells what will happen tomorrow.

I have not lost my woman and really hope to break this cycle of losing my friendships, since I have been in emotional pain and anguish with each and every one of these losses. I have torn myself apart countless fucking times trying to make sense of what I did or could have done differently in each person’s circumstance.. at least to make a good example for my kids in their friendships..

The only friendship I have not mentioned.. is my most important and most worked at friendship with a woman that means more than the world to me. All my help and favors and accomplishments in the world have not brought this friendship to any better of a level. Tonight.. I found out why… “Quit trying to be a saint, cause it doesn’t look good on you” was her words to me. All of this because I have stayed off of drugs, have control on my alcohol intake, stayed away from pills, was never a sexual person, got married both times to have my children, carry a day to day life that I don’t depend on the next person that can rescue me from my fuck-ups since no one was there when I did anyway, and well frankly got mad at a friend for breaking one of the biggest promises he could have made to me. She judged me because I was sick of bowing down and babysitting.

She claimed I should be more understanding and helpful.. if only she knew what my friendship has helped in the past and the losses all my help has brought me.. but it doesn’t matter now does it?

Once again I get to just close my eyes, wipe the tears, drop the shame, and put the trust back into my pocket and take my current life day by day.. just knowing I am doing everything I can to be the “saint” that does look good on me.

I’m a mother, woman of mistakes, female of pleasure, entity of emotion, heart of gold, and most important the best friend I know how to be… so I suppose I must be normal… and trying my best… that’s all that counts right..?

Later down the road… we’ll just have to see…

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