CONFUSION!

Angry Penguin
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WTF.. WTF… WTF.. AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WHEN ALL I DO SEEMS TO BE SO WRONG.. ALL I SAY SEEMS TO BE SO OFFENSE.. I CAN’T SAY OR DO A FUCKING THING WITHOUT FEELING LIKE I HAVE DONE SOMETHING WRONG.. SOME KIND OF REVERSE CONTROL TO SAY THE LEAST. AT LEAST THAT’S WHAT I FEEL SOMETIMES. I NEVER REALIZED HOW MUCH PEOPLE REALLY KNEW AND UNDERSTOOD ABOUT ME AND JUST CLICKED WITH ME INSTEAD OF ALL THIS LITTLE NIT PICKING AND BULLSHIT THAT SCREAMS CONFUSION IN ALL ASPECTS THAT IT CAN. I FEEL LIKE HAVE A CIGARETTE JUST TO MOTHER FUCKING DO IT AT THIS POINT… WHO THE FUCK CARES RIGHT . . AT THIS POINT.. NONE OF IT MAKES SENSE ANYWAY… JUST SMOKE IT ALL AWAY .. AT LEAST UNTIL THE LIGHT-HEADED NESS TAKES AWAY ALL THE THOUGHTS AND EMOTION AND IT JUST FEELS MOTHER FUCKING GREAT TO KILL A FUCKING BRAIN CELL..

I AM SO POWERFUL YET IT SEEMS AS THOUGH I AM LOSING EVERYTHING THAT MADE SENSE TO ME.. MY SON, MY DOG, MY CATS, MY FRIENDS, MY RELATIONSHIPS, MYSELF..

I DON’T GET IT.. I DON’T MOTHER FUCKING GET IT… I DON’T SEEM TO KNOW ANYTHING ANYMORE THAT IS GOING ON OR WHY IT’S GOING ON. I MAY AS WELL LIVE IN THE MILITARY AND LET MY LIFE PASS ME BY WHILE MAKING ENOUGH MONEY FOR MY OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS TO MAKE SENSE OF SO I COULD CONTINUE TO LIVE AND BREATHE BLINDLY.

MY KIDS ARE EVEN DOING THE SAME THINGS THEY WERE BEFORE AND HAVE ALL THESE OTHER THINGS PLANNED FOR THEM AND IN TOUCH WITH THEIR NEEDS. MY DAUGHTER OR THAT OF WHICH I WAS TRYING TO CREATE AND PROTECT WITH HER..

MY MOTHER IS FALLING FURTHER AND FURTHER FROM MY REALITY… ENOUGH SAID..

MY SO CALLED BEST FRIENDS’ SEEM TO BE SO DRAWN AWAY FROM ME AND MY NEEDS OR WANTS THAT IT’S ALMOST A SINGLE TORTURE TO COME OUT OF THEIR LITTLE WORLD AND SEE WHAT MIGHT BE COMING ABOUT WITHOUT THEIR NEEDED PROPOSALS OR CONTRADICTION SOME LIKE TO CALL EMOTIONAL BLUNDER.

I LOVE TO SING AND WRITE SO MUCH YET I SEEMED TO BE SO LOST IN THE ACT OF DOING SO… I GET OLDER AND OLDER AND OLDER BY THE DAY AND THE ONLY THING I CAN HONESTLY SAY AT THIS POINT THAT I CAN STAND BACK AND LOVE ABOUT IT ALL … IS MY BABIES!!

I RECENTLY TALKING TO MY MOTHER AND REALIZED THAT I AM NO LONGER NOR WAS I EVER REALLY HER BABY GIRL.. THAT WAS HER PROTECTION FOR ME TO NEVER FIND OUT HER JEALOUSY AND SHAME OF ME NEVER WALKING DOWN HER ROAD AND NEVER REALLY KNOWING HER PAIN FROM HER CHILDHOOD AND HER PAIN FROM HER ALCOHOLISM. I NEVER REALLY TOOK THAT FAR INTO MY OWN WORLD WHAT IT WAS TO HAVE ALL THAT PAIN AND ANGUISH OF HER PAST AND PRESENT AND WHAT IT TOOK TO REALLY WATCH HER DAUGHTER THAT WAS THERE FOR HER WITH ALL THE BULLSHIT AND DRAMA.. MOVE ON.

I AM STILL NOT SURE HOW FAR I HAVE MOVED ON DIRECTLY. SINCE I STILL HAVE EMOTIONAL ISSUES.. I STILL WRITE TO CONCEAL AND REVEAL AT THE SAME TIME. I STILL SHOUT OUT AND HOPE THAT SOMEONE REACHES OUT AND UNDERSTANDS ENOUGH TO BE ABLE TO USE MY STRENGTHS AND WEAKNESS THAT I WRITE FOR THEIR OWN NEEDS AND EMOTIONAL STATIC OR CONFUSIONS.

I AM TRYING SO HARD TO BE APART OF A LIFE THAT I HAVE DREAMED OF FOR SO LONG, BUT AT WHAT EXPENSE? I GET TO MAKE MONEY TO PAY THE BILLS, I GET TO MAKE SURE MY KIDS GO TO GREAT SCHOOLS AND GET HE ATTENTION AND EDUCATION THAT THEY DESERVE AND SO BADLY NEED, I GET TO WATCH MY DAD FINALLY BECOME A LIVING SOUL OF HIS ENVIRONMENT INSTEAD OF A RIGID STATUE OF HIS PAST, I GET TO WATCH MY BEST FRIEND RISE BACK FROM HIS DEEP DROWNING OF DEPRESSION AND COME UP WITH SOME OF THE FUNNIEST SHIT I HOPE THAT ACTUALLY MAKES IT ON STAGE THIS TIME. … I AM SO PROUD OF HIM AND HOW FAR HE’S COME WITH HIS GROWTH AND MATURITY AND WELL HIS PRIDE OF HIMSELF AND WHAT SURROUNDS HIM.

I GET TO FINALLY TAKE UP MY RESPONSIBILITY FOR MYSELF TO GO TO THIS APPOINTMENT AND FINALLY ONCE AND FOR ALL FIND OUT WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME. I HAVE ALL THIS PAIN AND SHIT GROWING ON ME…. NONE OF IT MAKES SENSE AND THE ONLY THING PEOPLE CAN TELL ME IS I AM GETTING OLDER AND I SHOW SIGNS OF CANCER. THIS KIND OF SHIT YOU CAN’T JUST WALK AWAY FROM OR JUST IGNORE AS I HAVE. YOU CAN’T JUST SHRUG YOUR SHOULDERS IN HOPES TO WAKE BACK IN YOUR MOTHER’S ALCOHOLIC ARMS WHERE NONE OF THE WORLD MATTERED AND MADE ANY SENSE, BUT IT WAS OK BECAUSE HER FAKE ASS SMILE, JUDGMENTAL HUGS, AND CLEAR JADED EYES WOULD BE THERE.

NOW I FIND SO MANY THINGS GOING ON THAT SHOULD MAKE PERFECT SENSE, BUT SOMEHOW ARE JUST MORE CONFUSING THAN WHAT THEY WERE THE LAST TIME. I THINK.. MAYBE .. THAT’S THE PROBLEM.. I THINK..

I REMEMBER WHEN I USED TO THINK THAT MY FRIENDS WOULD STAY MY FRIENDS, MY FAMILY WOULD STAY MY FAMILY, AND MY KIDS WOULD STAY MY KIDS. NOT SURE WHAT HAPPENED IN THAT TRANSITION, BUT I DO HOPE THAT MY THOUGHTS MAY BE PUT TO REST ONE DAY…

CHILLS ONLY PROVIDE THE MOMENT OF CONFUSION
TEARS OPEN THE DOOR TO ALL CONCLUSION
BREATHING MAKES SENSE TO THOSE WHO USE IT
FIGHTING SEEMS EASIER TO THOSE WHO ABUSE IT

I MISS.. I MISS.. I MISS..

I’M NOT SURE WHAT I MISS.. NOT SURE WHAT WAS REAL.. NOT SURE WHO MADE SENSE.. NOT SURE WHICH TIME..  WAS WORTH IT..

WAY DOWN DEEP .. I KNOW I AM WHO WANT TO BE… BUT WHY COULDN’T ANYONE ELSE SUPPORT THAT AND COME TO MY LEVEL FOR THE JOURNEY.. INSTEAD OF JUST WALKING AWAY??

WAS IT SO MUCH EASIER JUST TO CLOSE THEIR EYES AND WALK AWAY? I KNOW IT WAS FOR ME FOR SO MANY YEARS AND COME TO FIND OUT… IT DIDN’T EVEN MATTER IN THE FIRST PLACE..

WHO KNEW THE REAL CHICKEN SHIT IN THE FAMILY WAS THE STRONGEST WOMAN I KNEW?

MY HEADACHES COME AND GO MORE FREQUENTLY WITH MY BREATHING MORE INTENSE.. MY THOUGHTS RUN RAMPED OF ALL THAT HAS BECOME WITH ALL THAT WAS… MY SWEAT TRICKLES DOWN MY ARMS AND LEGS WITH FEAR OF WHAT COMES NEXT. ..

MY INNER VOICES SCREAM FOR SANITY.. MY INNER VOICES SCREAM FOR PURITY.. WHAT IS SANITY? WHAT IS PURITY? WHAT DO THEY SCREAM FOR? HOW DOES IT MAKE SENSE?

MY REALITY CRUSHED BY ALL THAT WERE AND NOW ALL THAT HAS BECOME FOR THE HOPES OF ADJUSTMENT… THAT MAKES IT ALL COME TOGETHER…

TO DRINK IT ALL AWAY.. SO TEMPTING… TO SMOKE IT ALL DOWN.. SO REAL.. TO FUCKING SCREAM OUT LOUD FOR THE WORLD TO HEAR.. EVERYDAY…

MENTHOL IN MOUTH SO DARK… SO BULLSHIT.. SO DUMB..

A BIT OF BRANDY TO MAKE THE THOUGHTS MORE CLEAR.. TO BRING THE EMOTIONS UNDER WRAPS.. TO FINALLY “NOT CARE”…

I CAN’T SEEM TO DO ANYTHING RIGHT ANYWAY.. I CAN’T SEEM TO MAKE SENSE OF ME… I CAN’T SEEM TO STOP BEING CONFUSED.. I CAN’T SEEM TO STOP THE PAIN OF WHAT NEVER WAS IN THE FIRST PLACE..

HIDING THE TEARS.. NOT WORTH IT.. BUT DUMB TO .. WHAT…

I WISH TO SING.. ON STAGE WITH DEEP ENTRANCING MUSIC THAT ALL CAN HEAR AND FEEL SUCCUMBED BY… TO HEAR THE WORDS, “LISTEN TO THAT VOICE, SO REAL!” WHILE MY REALITY COMES SMOOTHLY OFF MY TONGUE.. OUT MY MOUTH.. THROUGH MY HEART.. WITHIN MY SOUL.. TO THE MIC.

I WISH TO WRITE SUCH A STORY THAT BRING THE MOST CONFUSED WOMEN TO THEIR KNEES IN PURE GRATIFICATION THAT SOMEONE HAS BEEN THERE AND KNOWS …..

I WISH TO TAKE A DEEP BREATH WITH OUT THE INNER BURNING OF PURE DENIAL.. FROM MY OWN REALITY… MY OWN EMOTION.. MY OWN WORLD OF STRAIGHT FUCKING CONFUSION…

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