… Stabbed in the Side …

 

So life seems to calm down a bit lately. I am really hoping things get a touch simpler. I’ve recently had the big pain in the ass alcoholic move out of my lovely abode. It was such a flash back every time he started to drink and threw his attitude around like he owned the place when he barely paid for 1/3 of anything. I had one of the largest electric bills known to my little family when he was here. I think they had 12 or so things plugged in when they were here in their little single bedroom. Yeah that wasn’t running up my electric bill or anything. So that’s down to the smaller count. Also the attitude thing is gone with the beer tipping whiskey shooting stumbling alcoholic. Let’s see.. he’s burned up just about every appliance we had and destroyed all kinds of downstairs utilities. They smoked in that room so much that the entire room has turned a nasty dingy yellow. It smells so bad we can’t get the dog to even stay in the room. He literally circles the room a couple times walks out or sits by the door wining to get out.

 

I was thinking about getting a energy saver water heater, but I guess a large yard dumpster took residence to what I wanted. Just about the same amount of energy it took pay my loan I was already pretty much approved for… is the same amount of energy and money it would take to take care of the yard dumpster. The dumpster is needed to get all that disgusting yard waste from our yard. The snow cleared and all of a sudden we had garbage, debris, and sticks all over the place. We had 16 feet of snow that snuck up on us and never wanted to leave. Then when it did clear up.. all this stuff that had been consumed by the yard and covered with snow.. popped up out of nowhere and Viola.. we had contact.

Along with really long grass to cut, a pool to fix up and clear out, bikes to replace, and a bonfire pit to clean up. We are hoping this is all worth the financial fix it took to figure all of this out. Granted I still think the water heater would be a very smart investment.

 

The other thing I was thinking about is a dish washer to make things a bit easier during the sport season and possibly the school season. My problem is I was I always told that dish washers use a lot of electricity and are pointless. Basically you spend the same time washing the dishes that you would with out, but now you would sterilize the dishes as well. Again, this all takes me back to being raised with the thought that “dishwashers are for lazy people”. My mother still has words bouncing through my head on several types of occasions from my childhood. It’s funny sometimes… I don’t remember things until they are right in front of me and then I would sit back and remember little flash backs of things mother told me. Some things made sense and others honestly, I still don’t get. I know I’ve been told for quite a few years now that I’m not a kid anymore. I know I’ve had a lot of people tell me that I need to move on from childhood and my past and believe me… I’m trying.

 

When things are so ingrained in your head for so long day in and day out and you are constantly reminded that you are, “retarted”, or “lazy”, or “stupid”, or whatever else comes to mind to a group of alcoholics you are to call family in some way… it’s hard to tell yourself different. Now, I did take certain steps to make life better any way I could. I got into poetry writing, book writing, story writing, drawing, modeling, singing, and whatever else I could wrap my little head around to get by another day. I took the whole abuse and neglect thing to the next level of “a mind of her own”. When men through out my life or my so-called “family” put their best into me to tear me apart for my own good, I took it to the next level. I traveled to be a model with a man I didn’t know. I got some of the best pictures I’ve ever done taken and now I can be very proud of them. I wrote two poetry books with every ounce of emotion I could and self published them. I knew I wasn’t going to make a million dollars off them and I wasn’t writing them to make money. I wrote them to get the stuff out from inside me. I moved to different states and worked other places. I married men that I thought would make my family happy since that’s the way they “wanted” it.

 

I now know that everything I did made sense at the time and I don’t regret the things I did , but I do wish I would have done some things different to say the least. I guess you do learn things when you get older and you look back and wish you could have learned it, “back in the day” so things would have been easier. The thing we have to remember is when we go through things it makes us who we are when we get older. I wouldn’t be who I am and as tough and I am mentally or as deep as I am emotionally and spiritually if I didn’t get put through the ringer and back when I was growing up. As far as that goes, I am still being lied to and played. I know this stuff should pass on as you get older and you should be able to move past the games that are played. Unfortunately it doesn’t happen so often like that.

 

Now, on the author side of things. I’m working on getting some pictures inserted in the book and a bonus chapter. By the time I am done with this book, hopefully it will be more than worth everyone in the world “giving a try”. I am not expecting everyone to like it or get into it, but I do feel that I have gathered quite a bit of outside interest in my book and covered some pretty difficult subject that are not only controversial… but also politically uneven. I am starting to get real impatient for the final piece to come about. I have a local book store willing to put my book on the shelves, I have some local people who are looking forward to the book being complete and lately…. my twitter has gone up. Yay me!

 

I will touch base on one more thing before I close out today. I know some of you know about my Endometriosis that causes severe pain and I’ve had to be on a shot of Lupron due to the amount of pain I do get. I will let you know that this shot has done wonders with my pain, but unfortunately after the shot wears off the pain comes tumbling back. So now I’m going to have to look into the surgery after all. This means (for those of you who haven’t been in tune lately), my right ovary needs to be removed. I’ve realized that this would be the most beneficial way since it will take out the parts that hurt the most and the most often and it will keep Estrogen in my body so my age won’t show. LOL. Just kidding. I have realized through this Lupron shot that I’m not so ready to give up my female organs. I have dealt with the sweats and freezes. I have dealt with all the symptoms the best I can, but I am not going to deal with losing my memory. I know I have some serious memory issues and to the life of me… I honestly don’t know why. I am going to guess Fetal Alcohol Syndrome at this point; however I don’t have proof of that so much. I have done everything I can to deal with my memory issues my whole life.

 

Somehow I have gotten past the “thought process” issues and the memory issues all my life, but now with this large wake up call and my memory literally leaving me bit by bit… I have caught myself with stupid moments many times. These things are those that should be “duh” moments. Things I have done thousands if not millions of times. Yet, for some glimpse of a minute, I forgot. Talk about bringing tears to your eyes. I know my family including my boys look out for me all that they can and honestly they shouldn’t have taken as much on their shoulders as much as they have. I do realize they take a lot on their shoulders due to the fact I have had to live my life a certain way and it can’t be changed. When my boy looks at me and says, “mom you forgot this” or “mom I can help you since you don’t remember how”. It brings tears to your eyes. It gives you a seriously wake up call. The good part about all of this is, with the shot… it’s all reversible. All I have to do is stop taking the shot. Great news right? No, not really.

 

Again if I stop taking the shot… the pain comes tumbling back in large quantities. Then when I least expect it… I get stabbed in the side. Remember? The things life brings us…

 

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About Lena Rai

Lena Rai is a lesbian of the LTBB Tribe who lives just under the Mackinaw Bridge. She lives with her partner going on two years and they both share 3 beautiful boys. Lena’s an established poet and an upcoming novelist. Her work has been published in The international Library of Poetry. She’s also had an award winning essay entitled, The Accomplishments of Gerald R. Ford as President of the United States for the Gerald R. Ford renaming ceremony in Grand Rapids, MI. She’s also the author of two self published books of poetry, “Voices Silently Speak” and “Whispering a Lady’s Secret”.

Posted on June 13, 2014, in Letters to Myself, Whatever and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Comments Off.

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