… A Touch Fascinated …

There’s nothing like a great appreciation for life when you end up in so much pain so quickly in front of your children that you have to resort to popping pain killers that your body is not used to nor does it know. Then sobering up and realizing the things you did while you were high you are embarrassed and ashamed of and overall didn’t like the “out of control” feeling. Come to find out, I also got grumpy on that pain-killer. Not good when people all around me are worried about me and all I can do is stare off into space and wonder what the color the walls used to be. Sound bad I know. I am the one saying it and experiencing it, so believe me I know what it sounds like.

I was forced to have a day off yesterday from work for whatever reason. The vehicle I was utilizing had the gas lines freeze. Yay! So then I spent some time with my children. I’ve spoken of my child who is Psychotic on here. I just wanted to say I do realize everything happens for a reason regardless of when we find out that reason. Papa and I started a pretty decent conversation with this child and we decided to allow him some suggestions on what to do with his visions and nightmares. He got slightly introduced to Stephen King. No, I didn’t go put on some gory freaky movie and make him watch it. I did however go on YouTube on my phone and find some interviews of him speaking of where he got his ideas and how he came about.

Surprisingly the boy was a touch fascinated. I don’t know what was going through my head more… have him read one of these books or just let him know about the books so he would try writing his thoughts and dreams and visions out and maybe find himself getting good at it. I know I live to write just like I used to live to sing. I found out long time ago that singing is great, but no one cares if you sing unless you are going to strip onstage or your father is some famous singer. I’ve had all kinds of compliments on my singing my whole life and just started the compliments on my writing. I want nothing more than to have a child who’s happy regardless of what he’s doing. The tricky part of all this becomes when you have to draw the line of what’s ok to write and what’s not ok.

He got so inspired of the ideas that he started right away and all of a sudden with little boy handwriting that he had, he was a page and a half in with so much gory descriptions that he lost the story. He kept trying to get me to read what he wrote and I kept trying to tell him that you never just let people read your work part way through. You will not only lose your inspirations, but they will attempt to let you know their point of view or advice and it could taint your own creativity or ideas. Then you will be lost all over again. Not good! So instead when he went to the bathroom, I snuck the paper from his side of the table and read his beautiful piece of work. Bones and blood and guts and all kinds of words later.. I could do nothing but smile. At least he’s feeling good about the idea.. we can always work on the content later on.

So now I have our oldest trying to write a scary story with his visions and ideas. I have our middle boy copying from a book word for word since he’s had a bit of an attitude lately (not wanting to use his machine to help him sleep) and couldn’t write an apology letter. He said he couldn’t think and would rather get smacked. OH NO HE DIDN”T! Well, obviously that told me what he had in mind as an easier punishment. So off to copy a book word for word he went. Then our youngest loves to read and write, but the one person he’s been dying to write to is his older sister. He asks pretty often when he will get to see her again. He’s even stated, “oh great.. now I will never get to see my sister since I don’t even get to see my dad”. he writes her letters often and hands them to me. He’s 6 years old remember? He’s writing letters and handing them to me in case I get her address or see her one day… cause I will never know if I just happened to see her. I take the letters of course and hide them with the rest of the pile.

Now the wonderful daughter I don’t talk much about is also over hearing these wonderful ideas to write a story. She’s got a little bit better head on her shoulders for what she’s doing. She has a great opening and actually included dialogue. She’s my favorite kind of writer. She just lets it come to her. That’s the best part of writing any blog or story. When you don’t have anywhere for your writing to come from but the heart and you don’t have anywhere for it to go except on paper. All the details and emotions that follow with in your writing that just come bursting out of whatever nook or cranny they are at. I love it! This is the style of writing she does and I love it! She always says, “well I just did both sides of the paper in just a few minutes”. It’s great!

So, lately the word has gotten out pretty decent that I’m Psychic. LMMFAO!!! Nope! I have people asking me personal things to help them make their decisions and telling me things that only a therapist should hear. Why? Evidently I told one person who poured their heart out to me about their past and I felt it only fair to allow something of myself once I heard what they had to say. Unfortunately it bit me in the ass! What I told the person they despised about me from that day forth. Talk about getting off to a bad start with someone. Well, they decided it was important to go tell as many people as they could about it and now the word is out that I’m Psychic. Wow! I’m so not trying to get too involved in this one. I don’t want to say something and be wrong and then be blamed because I told them something else.

The best part of this? People are trying to get me to hold their hands to tell their future or hold their temples like the movies to read their thoughts. Ummm… this is new. Little do they know I already felt them when they started their thought process coming toward me. Is that as creepy as it sounds? I’m just wondering. I can’t imagine what i put people through when I just know what’s going on when I walk about them or they come to me with the emotions wide open. I got it bad. I heard a chick on the radio and I knew just from when she spoke that she had something bad happen in her family and she was very upset and stressed about it. How? I have no clue! Come to find out… someone heard what I had said and told me her uncle passed away the day before. Then asked how I knew that. I didn’t!

I’m not sure if it’s the happier I get the more in tuned I get to the world around me or if it’s the more paranoid or upset I get. I do know it’s quite the journey to walk around and just know how people are feeling and it’s quite the adventure to sit there while someone is talking and just know what they are saying and if it’s true or not. The hard part of it all is when I know there is more to the story and they aren’t telling me. I tend to do that to my partner. She goes to tell me something or she picks up her phone and her energies spike. Then I do everything I can to keep my mouth shut and stay out of it. There comes a point where I can’t take it anymore and I will finally open my dumb mouth and ask. I get some short off the wall nothing type answer or a very well trumped answer that keeps “details” hidden. What’s this make me think? What are you hiding and why? The sad part is by the time we go through all the BS to figure out what it was… I end in doubt and she ends in complete confusion and flashbacks of mistrust. None of this is good.

So I haven’t been doing much with my Jewelry in Candles lately. I’m giving up on my
Avon since it seems to be a pointless venture. I still have my hopes on the JIC, but I’m realizing it takes a buck to work that road and I just don’t have it. I do however have new inspiration for my book and I think I may have found the right editor to help me with it. When you have an uncontrollable excitement watching your inbox waiting for a response from someone you don’t even know just working off the energies you receive from the writing alone, that’s usually a good thing. I find myself poking through applications and just warding off the obvious no gos and then all of a sudden, my heart jumps and my palms sweat and after not trusting myself with the thoughts and hopes going through my head… I found through a couple emails later that “she might just be the one”.

Yes, my lady knows all about her and we are both excited at the potential this could give my book. . .

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About Lena Rai

Lena Rai is a lesbian of the LTBB Tribe who lives just under the Mackinaw Bridge. She lives with her partner going on two years and they both share 3 beautiful boys. Lena’s an established poet and an upcoming novelist. Her work has been published in The international Library of Poetry. She’s also had an award winning essay entitled, The Accomplishments of Gerald R. Ford as President of the United States for the Gerald R. Ford renaming ceremony in Grand Rapids, MI. She’s also the author of two self published books of poetry, “Voices Silently Speak” and “Whispering a Lady’s Secret”.

Posted on January 27, 2014, in Letters to Myself and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Comments Off.

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