Hurry up… and Wait

There’s such a great humility that comes over you when you think everything about you is nothing but evil because your environment has done the best it can to prove it to you. When you know way down deep inside that you are probably the most honest and kind person that you know and yet all that keeps being brought up is pieces of your personality that you can’t control. Then without missing a beat, someone of your life walks up and tells you how hard it was to finally get a hold of your book that they have been dying to read. Why would you being dying to read my book? It’s got so many people writing and emailing me telling me that editing is needed badly. Does this stop anyone from picking it up or downloading it to their e reader? Nope. I know at this point in time, the book that I have out there right now is considered a proof copy now. I know that technically I should pull it off the shelves “so to speak” and wait until it is actually done for real. I’m very tempted to do this.

I’ve been searching long and hard for an editor that was in my vision of my book in all aspects down to the passion that I have for my story. I’m at 70 some proposals for helping me to proofread it and do some basic editing. You would think this would be easy. Just pick the one of the most degrees right? NO!!! I will not take a piece of paper over the actually passion put into the project no matter what college or university it came from. Am I shocked that I have some editors that work for publishing companies offering to help me with my book? Absolutely! I would never guess that it’s caught enough interest to actually pull editors from real publishers out there. No I’m not hiding in my secret glory that I’m awesome and my book is awesome and I know it. I would love to see it go somewhere someday that would touch the entire world in one way or another, but I don’t foresee something of that caliber coming from my little story.

Just when I feel that the book has lost its worth and it was all a waste of time and money, someone comes out of the shadows and says, “Wow! This book is amazing and I can’t wait to read the rest.” This kind of stuff makes me live another day with a big smile. This kind of stuff can bring the clouds out of my skies and keep that sun shining brighter than ever. I still can’t believe so many things that I mention in my story are completely unheard of or unbelievable when they were so normal to me when I was going through it. It makes me crack a small smile every-time someone says,”that really happened to you… I’m shocked”. Wow, I’m special? Is this really a good special? Is it a selfish special? Is it a forbidden special? What kind of special is this?

I hope that whatever special I am, whomever reads the book for whatever reason that they do, will be touched emotionally in some way that it helps to benefit their life. I hope in someway shape or form there will be enough reality in my book that will bring to life so many different types of abuse out there and that it’s ok to speak up about it. There are men and women and children everyday that go through what I have gone through and so much worse than I have. I know how hard it is to speak up and say, “yeah it’s true… that happened to me”. I know how ashamed someone can feel and how self blamed you can be with it. I know how it digs deep inside you when you see or hear anything that reminds you of that situation again and how you don’t know whether to curl up deep inside yourself and hide hoping no one finds out… or just shout it out and let dead dogs lie.

When the final product of this book comes about and it’s actually read to go with no errors and the final additions that I want to make with it, this book will have the potential to go huge and get famous and possibly catch someone’s eyes to make a movie out of it. Will it happen? If it’s meant to be… it will be. Do I count on it? Not even. I can be very naive at times, but I’m not stupid. I have about 36 days left to chose a final partner in making this book shine and the best it possibly can be. I’ve gotten a lot of great people to try for the job, but in the end… two people have really caught my eye so far. It’s taken a lot of energy to really dig deep and feel out and talk with each and every one of these people to honestly see how passionate they can be about this. I’ve had to let my guards down quite a bit to allow their energies to come through their words.

See one thing I am pretty good at… (believe it or not)… when someone write with emotions behind what they are saying or trying to portray, I can decently feel what their emotions were when they were writing. Sounds impossible right? Well, honestly most of my life and personality traits sound impossible, but I’ve learned to just accept them and move on. I can read handwriting and if I’ve spoken to the person once or heard them speak… I can generally nail down what they felt when they wrote what they did. Also on the computer. I have blogs that I read when I need some umph or inspiration and when I read some of them, I can feel the deep thoughts and real passion that they put into what they wrote. I can also generally tell when someone just threw someone on a piece of paper or in a word document to get it over with. Yes, I’m utilizing some of this ability of my mind to feel out my applicants.

Ok, so I’ve gotten some more denials of publication from some publishers, but now I understand why and I will tell you… knowing is half the battle seriously. I’m not really worried about this though. I know if it’s meant to be .. it will be. Who knows maybe I will get some editor that has some connections in the industry and really feels that my book has a great potential enough to introduce it to their publishers. Don’t know. We all have dreams and hopes and so forth. I also have had some reminders come back to me about some magazines that I had submitted to in the LGBT community. I have yet to send them the full book they are asking for. I hope in all actuality that they will be just as humbled by the experience as I have been when I do send out the final product.

I’m still looking to add some pictures to the final product. I have a lot of positive energies about this one. I’ve had a lot of positive comments as well. I’m not sure how I’m going to get the pictures I have to the right DPI to get them into the book though. So I’m not sure how to do this yet.

It’s a cold cold day out here in northern Michigan and I will tell you… being an anemic makes it that much worse. I have all my heaters, sweaters, and a fireplace going and I’m still getting chills. I feel sorry for my little 4 or 5 lb baby girl when she goes outside to do her business since she’s got to be an icicle just a few minutes in.

Oh… lol…. I have to tell you. I took a glance at Craigslist a couple of days ago and found an ad saying something about being a reality TV show. Wow! Of course I had to think what would be interesting enough to be a reality TV show in my life. Guess who I came up with? My weebit. He’s almost died 5 times, reads 4 to 5 grades above his level, loves to play chess, has full conversations with adults, hacked his first phone when he was three, conquered child safety locks when he was 1.5 years old, and he’s only 6. What a show right? Well, we haven’t received a response yet. Cross your fingers and toes. lmao… yeah right.

Now off to hurry up and ….. wait

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About Lena Rai

Lena Rai is a lesbian of the LTBB Tribe who lives just under the Mackinaw Bridge. She lives with her partner going on two years and they both share 3 beautiful boys. Lena’s an established poet and an upcoming novelist. Her work has been published in The international Library of Poetry. She’s also had an award winning essay entitled, The Accomplishments of Gerald R. Ford as President of the United States for the Gerald R. Ford renaming ceremony in Grand Rapids, MI. She’s also the author of two self published books of poetry, “Voices Silently Speak” and “Whispering a Lady’s Secret”.

Posted on January 25, 2014, in Letters to Myself and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Comments Off.

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