Qualifications for a Miracle

“Don’t Speak”

By No Doubt

 

You and me

We used to be together

Everyday together always

I really feel

That I’m losing my best friend

I can’t believe

This could be the end

It looks as though you’re letting go

And if it’s real

Well I don’t want to know

 

Don’t speak

I know just what you’re saying

So please stop explaining

Don’t tell me cause it hurts

Don’t speak

I know what you’re thinking

I don’t need your reasons

Don’t tell me cause it hurts

 

Our memories

Well, they can be inviting

But some are altogether

Mighty frightening

As we die, both you and I

With my head in my hands

I sit and cry

 

Don’t speak

I know just what you’re saying

So please stop explaining

Don’t tell me cause it hurts (no, no, no)

Don’t speak

I know what you’re thinking

I don’t need your reasons

Don’t tell me cause it hurts

 

It’s all ending

I gotta stop pretending who we are…

You and me I can see us dying…are we?

 

Don’t speak

I know just what you’re saying

So please stop explaining

Don’t tell me cause it hurts (no, no, no)

Don’t speak

I know what you’re thinking

I don’t need your reasons

Don’t tell me cause it hurts

Don’t tell me cause it hurts!

I know what you’re saying

So please stop explaining

 

Don’t speak,

don’t speak,

don’t speak,

oh I know what you’re thinking

And I don’t need your reasons

I know you’re good,

I know you’re good,

I know you’re real good

Oh, la la la la la la La la la la la la

Don’t, Don’t, uh-huh Hush, hush darlin’

Hush, hush darlin’ Hush, hush

don’t tell me tell me cause it hurts

Hush, hush darlin’ Hush, hush darlin’

Hush, hush don’t tell me tell me cause it hurts

Those lyrics ought to be pretty familiar. They hit me today when I was looking at some photographs today of someone I used to know. I guess time will definitely tell who is there in the beginning and who is there in the end. I was told long time ago that time changes everything and more than likely through your entire life of relationships and friends alike… when it’s all said and done and you are old and gray… you will be able to count your TRUE friends on one hand. I always denied this conversation growing up and here and there I attached myself to some people who swore up and down over and over again that we would never “not be together” or “not be friends”. Boy is that a really hard lesson to learn over the years just asking yourself why and what happened. At one point, you are inseparable and call each other all the time and text or write notes or letters. At the next you don’t talk anymore and the only conversation that seems valid anymore is small matters of accomplishment in each other’s lives that for a moment are almost faked so that the other will leave you alone.

 

Sad right? Well it does become reality. One thing about being real and honest with yourself and your family or friends is you really do learn who you can trust and put faith into. I know no one is perfect and we all have lives to live and everyday is a new challenge and all that mumbo jumbo. I also know I could go through my circle of people right now and tell you who is real with me and who isn’t and honestly … it doesn’t get far past 1. Is this our awesome human nature? Is this a destined approach to the worldly acceptance that we all crave and are brought to know about when growing up? It’s all about friends and popularity at one point. Then it’s about who you can trust with your skeletons while you are slipping your words out high or drunk at social gatherings where is seems to be Kool to brag about your life fuck-ups. When it comes down to it and you actually mature, you find yourself escorting your trust and emotions elsewhere to whomever you decide is your mate or partner for “life” and hope that it wasn’t just the super dashing sex that was attached to your “connection”.

 

I’m really not trying to sound cold or cynical. I’m just stating what’s on my mind at this point in time and YES those lyrics did trigger all this babbling after I saw the photos on FB. It really makes you sit back and wonder why all the arguments and miscommunications that seemed to be so important at the time to keep what seems to be already forgotten or fake. All the tears that were shed for a relationship with someone whether with or with out sensual contact, had time tacked on to it in a fashion that made sense with the term “forever”. It’s probably childish to say you hope to be together “forever” or you hope to be friends “forever” or whatever other BS ramblings can come from some over commercialized sense of belonging. I personally don’t believe in “forever” anymore. The one person I honestly there was a “forever” with… severely failed me and seems to continue to fail me.

 

I suppose when you are doing everything in your power to avoid a person and have done everything in our power to take whatever hope or justice they had from any situation in which you were involved, it’s a real wake up call to realize one day that … “it never was”. Does it hurt to think this way? Yes, of course it does! Does it hurt to wake and take a look at photos that you should be more involved in and realizing you are no part of it… regardless of what you’ve been through and gone through and planned to be? Obviously it’s no cake walk. Now, when I hear someone say I will “love you forever” or “I will be here forever” I sit and ask myself what is “their forever”. I am slowly becoming aware of the fact everyone has their own forever.

 

Some seemed to feel forever is until times get rough. Some seemed to feel forever is until a newer model comes along. Some seemed to feel forever is until they wake up again sober. Forever seems to have it’s own definition of time depending on who is waiting for it. Forever to me is until there is no longer life to the situation. I used to feel forever was until I died or they died, but I’m learning it’s not only a physical death that can end a “forever” promise. Any type of mental death or situational death can end that awesome devotion to each other as well. For some reason I always took that “till death do us part” as my forever when someone said it to me. Silly right? Well, I honestly thought that was what I was supposed to wait for when someone said forever to me. It felt like that was what was right and I always try to do what is right. The problem with that? As often as a man can change a car or a woman can change her jewelry… forever is mistaken to be a fad just like Love.

 

I’m no pro on love and I will never claim to be. I will tell you I’m told all the time I’m far beyond my years in maturity and for everything I’ve been through it just ads on more reason for people to come to me when they don’t understand things. Partially I am aware it’s because I’m an Empath. I am a very Active Listener and I am completely open and honest when it comes to anything I can handle. So as I told my boss… I pretty much have “your diary” written on my forehead and anyone is reads it … tends to leave an entry. Here’s the interesting part though. Most entries have to do with Love. Most times that people talk to me it has to do with the love of a partner, crush, family member, or friend and their confusion about it. I know I’ve been through some shit, but I’m far from a professional. I will claim to be experienced in a lot more than I care to in my life to be honest, but again I wouldn’t be who I was today if I hadn’t gone through it all. So then it comes down to shame or pride and who I care to share it with so that they can move on with their life and feel better about themselves due to their own decisions.

 

Wow! A lot of work for just some lil ol Lena. The sad part is? I take on this task every day of my life and once again… I sit back and just allow people to explain their forever or love in whatever they have on the brain or heart at that time. Here’s an interesting thought to process…. just like any marriage or relationship you had that wasn’t a waste because you gained something out of it… do you feel the same way about any relationship you gain? I mean the coworker that you thought you made friends with for 30 days and then she/he end up being two-faced. I mean the family member you gained a few years back and hung out with and then all of a sudden is too good to even talk to you. I mean the long time ago friend who wanted to “catch up” on things and when they get to know you … all of a sudden they are different around you. Do you take these things in stride and just wonder what is was that you got from that relationship? I know I have 15 years in one direction, 5 in another, 20 in another, 8 in another, and so forth and all the above I really thought was going to be some awesome forever relationship of some type. Well now I get to look at each one and see what I got out of that relationship so I don’t soak in my sorrows every time I see them, hear them, or just happen to catch a picture of their happiness without me.

 

Seems a little pathetic to me as well. I have learned some of the most embarrassing moments are so pathetic and distinctly bad once you give them light and humor. You can take pride in knowing that you are able to take the necessary steps to move past your anger or frustration or hurt that was caused by that break in your relationship. I know nothing happens overnight except for miracles and frankly getting over a relationship is definitely not qualifications for a miracle. So I guess everyone deals with things differently on their own. I have found mine.

I have had a small amount of inspiration lately and I thought I would share my little revelation with my lovely readers. All of you know by now that I have a book out on Amazon by now. Secrets of the Velvet Closet; A Memoir which has pretty sensitive subjects in it for the type of memoir it is. I’ve already sold over 300 books currently and I will be correcting the grammar mistakes and adding the bits of editing it needs shortly to put it back on Amazon for it’s final phase. I am putting in a bonus chapter which I have yet to fully decide what exactly it will be. My newest inspiration is actual photographs of the little girl in the book growing to be a full-grown woman up to an actually professional photo shoot picture with nothing but heart and soul showing. I feel this will put the final spin on the book that is needed to give that last breath everyone will want and need at the end of the book. I’ve spoken with a few people about this and honestly I didn’t expect so much excitement about it. I guess putting a face to a name in a story… is a big deal.

About Lena Rai

Lena Rai is a lesbian of the LTBB Tribe who lives just under the Mackinaw Bridge. She lives with her partner going on two years and they both share 3 beautiful boys. Lena’s an established poet and an upcoming novelist. Her work has been published in The international Library of Poetry. She’s also had an award winning essay entitled, The Accomplishments of Gerald R. Ford as President of the United States for the Gerald R. Ford renaming ceremony in Grand Rapids, MI. She’s also the author of two self published books of poetry, “Voices Silently Speak” and “Whispering a Lady’s Secret”.

Posted on January 6, 2014, in Letters to Myself, Viewer Discretion Advised and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Comments Off.

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