Was it Real?

Passion flower
Passion flower (Photo credit: @Doug88888)

I found an old post that I wrote with passion, dedication, dignity, love, endurance, and so much more a few months or so ago. Some of you have seen it, but I quickly hid it from existence from shame. I realized after I wrote it that I was opening up to the world and telling the world who the REAL me was. I was pretty much stating all the truths that needed to be put out there to make myself feel better, but wasn’t willing to make them public until my newly published book… “Secrets of the Velvet Closet”. These following paragraphs are written in all the emotion that I was carrying at that time and had no room for grammatical corrections, spelling corrections, offensive ideas or language corrections, or anything like that! I wrote from the heart in the deepest part of my soul that I could find at the time and it brought tears of joy, sadness, shame, and so many other emotions when I was putting the words down piece by piece.

I feel it’s time to release this post now! Only because the actual full story with a roller coaster of emotions filled with so many more details is in my book, “Secrets of the Velvet Closet”. Sure I wrote this post, but it only hints about the people in my life that I crossed, the loves I had and lost, and the REAL me and where I came from! The book goes into so much more than this post could ever dream of. So if the book is finally published and on the shelves for public view, why not make the post that inspired it available for public view as well? I’m not expecting comments, reviews, speculation or anything like that on this post. It’s a long post and there’s not hiding that. To be honest if you’ve made it this far and need to know right off the bat, you might want to read this in sections. It really is that long, but the reality and truthfulness in this post will make it worth the read if you so feel the need or urge to do so. Then all WARNINGS UP, if you feel you can handle this post… you might be able to handle my book. … There’s a lot of touchy subjects in my book and if you are squeamish about this post in any way… don’t read my book!!! If you are easily offended or have strict beliefs and this post pushes past your boundaries, then definitely DON’T READ MY BOOK!!!!

On the other hand, if you are familiar is my blogging, poetry, or me in general personally and you know how REAL I am, then I challenge you to read my book and take in all the details of this post to your heart, mind, and soul!!! I did publish two poetry books that tell the story of my life when I was younger as well. They put so many secrets into poetry and prose of all my different sexual encounters and the several types of abuse I experienced as well as many other things. In case you are curious… “Voices Silently Speak” is one… “Whispering a Lady’s Secret” is the other… Good luck on getting through this post… I can’t promise you will be the same or think of me the same after you are done reading it… it you can handle it…

Oh yeah, ENJOY!!!

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So where do you go when you have ultimately begun living your life’s passions and desires before you even knew how to breathe correctly as she glanced at you? What do you think when her touch is more intriguing than any sexual fantasy that you have ever had? What do you feel when your heart seems to not only skip a beat, but almost stop as her lips touch yours softly for just a moment? How do you handle the fact that all your thoughts, emotions, dreams, hopes, loves, situations, preparations, and so much more unexplained things are now right at your finger tips forcing your inner soul to search for the given perfection your actions much have had at one point in time? Day after day you wait for the final moment when your dream is awakened by some dreary black and white gasp of reality you swear you must have somewhere. The sparkle in her eyes, her soft lips, her stern but loving hands, her well-trained short spiky hair, and even those awesome little quirks she has that no one notices but you.

Does any of this sound familiar? Does any of this ring a bell into your undying needs, wants, desires, intentions, or even realities? It sounded like some over dramatic soap opera that women crave as they have their romance novels by their side for commercials and their phone in their lap to call friends about the “scene” that just wasn’t right to me as well. I always had the hidden memberships to dating sites for women and the favorite places to go shopping or just visiting so I could see “that one girl” who caught my eye. I kept up on social media and pretended that deep down I was one of them even if no one else could or would see it. I had newsletters that came to me in my emails updating me of trends of the gay and lesbian community and what to expect this month for shows or music. I even collected different artists’ works and attempted to learn about them the best that I could from birth to current to try to understand their world and how it was so different from mine. I know there was a time or two when I caught myself wondering if my gaydar even worked. I stood by quietly in waiting lines of banks and stores observing other women to see if I could sense someone’s sexuality by the way they talked, walked, what they wore, or even whom they were with.

The funny thing though… well I guess not really funny so to say, but very interesting at the least… all of this research and readiness and observation.. it didn’t even come close to preparing me for my final encounter that would change my life forever!!

Pleasing my family was hard as a child since I had this issue of never really seeing them. I had a lot of abuse and alcohol in my family throughout my whole childhood. If it wasn’t my mother working cleaning rich people’s homes, it was her at another bar trying to bring another “dream” guy home. I never really got to know my father other than the 2 week trip to his home every summer that consisted of one week drowned in bible camp where I had no friends, family, or even real history with anyone and the other week nonstop travel to any obscure, expensive, interesting, rare, or otherwise media splashed tourist attraction that he could find.

Life with father was in a suburban home or condo with a top name brand expensive car. There was no food or drink in the car and the window was never to be rolled down outside of the first few minutes of starting a hot car in 90 degree weather. Everything had a place and a purpose and quality time outside of tourist attractions was spent waiting for endless business phone conversations he had for whatever he was selling that week. Everything had to fit exact and proper from shoes to shirts to coats and hats. There was no radio entertainment since he didn’t believe in it. He’d rather listen to bible camp tapes endlessly for his and my spiritual development. There was no pet or friend to keep while being there since he didn’t have much of a social life outside of his bible camp friends and work associates. When time did come around  for me to be a female in life, (bras, makeup, dating) it took a very long phone conversations between him and mother to convince him to allow this “nonsense” for the whole 2 weeks he was going to be my active father. So needless to say I knew better than trying to partake in any of my normal activities in front of or even around him or his dwelling. Now mind you, anything outside of his world was wrong, impossible, unbelievable, or ridiculous. This was unless it was researched, called on, experienced, or thoroughly talked about to experts. Conversations with him were short, sweet, and avoided most times.

Now life with mother was another unique situation. Compared to the other, it was less adventurous in a tourist sense but more adventurous in a closed secretive street life kind of way. Mother was a very resourceful woman when it came to her work. She got all kinds of hand me downs and freebies from her clients that she passed on to our home and life. She worked many hours of the day and week cleaning homes of all kinds. She was untouchable when it came to the detail she would undergo for her dollars earned to make sure the clients would look no further for another cleaning lady. However; when she wasn’t working you got to see a whole other side of her (when you saw her). She was at the bars for long hours of the night and many during the day. She ended up finding boyfriends’ that she felt at the time was suitable for either a descent shag or some type of so-called relationship. When she was home very rarely did you get to be honored with the sober outgoing friendly woman she could be. Most of the time, you got the drunken sarcastic careless woman who depended on everyone else to do everything and if it wasn’t done to her standards, it was complained about for hours accompanied with more drinking.

Mother had three phases to her drinking. My favorite was always the second phase. The first phase was all about relieving any anxiety and stress. She was yelling and complaining and impatient and well intolerable while she was having her “beer 30″ as she called it. A few beers or so in were much better since it caused her to become more friendly and sociable. She was able to laugh and not everything had to be done perfect when she called for action. She was patient and loving with sincerity and generally open-minded. This was the time to catch her if you wanted to go to a friend’s house or watch your favorite show. She gave hugs and proclaimed love while being able to walk and finish her sentences clearly. We could be best friends during this phase. We could hang out and play cards or watch a movie or sing a song together and both of us had fun. Now came her third phase. This always came without a hitch regardless of events or purpose. This was the mean phase where really no one wanted her around or could stand her even talking since you couldn’t understand her anyway. This phase had the hitting and abuse tied into it. I would always pray she would go to bed or go back to the bar. In most cases I would get my wish and some friend or boyfriend would come get her and take her to the bar.

The second phase and her sobriety; however were my favorite parts of her personality. You never knew what to expect from her and what she was going to say. There was humor in everything she did and she had the biggest heart anyone could ask for. She was always trying to please everyone by either giving them things or letting them stay at the house for free. When a blue moon came around and we actually had some mother daughter talks, I tried crazy to get one of my two favorite personalities to emerge before making a move. After several years, I learned how to work around her different personalities and what to say or do and when to say or do it. It wasn’t such a torture anymore because I hid in all my church activities as much as possible. If for some reason I couldn’t find church, I had some school activity to go to. Granted, I had to pay for my own lessons, gas, time, or even skills to get to any school functions. The rules were I could do it… if I could pay for it, find a ride to and from, give her plenty of notice written down with detail left on the table where she could see it, and of course if it was legal. The thing I had to get used to was, doing it all alone.

I didn’t really have friends since I had no family or home life to share with them. Mother didn’t teach me to be social except drinking and late night obnoxious parties that ended in fights or sex. So, I never really had the privilege of friendships other than my church and I tried to keep as much a secret as I could with them. Since I was 7 years old, I knew something was very different with me. I saw my mother with different men, I watched TV with men and women, I went to church and saw married men and women couples, and any girls at school always liked boys. I was catching myself for years watching and liking girls. When I did find a couple of girls to attempt a friendship, I always found myself crushing on them and trying to find ways to sleep in the same bed or sit right next to each-other. I always found ways to touch them or have them touch me. Tickling was a miracle in my teen days. A girl would let you go just about anywhere you wanted as long as you said “tickle tickle”. My little secret tried to come out on many occasions and I became a black sheep several times to friends, family, church, and wherever I tried desperately to confide in someone.

I have to admit though, my teen years made my life seem so much brighter. Mother went to work full-time as a Home Health Aide, church didn’t have to be my escape anymore, and girls were actually trying to touch me. I finally had my first real encounter with a girl at my home. I had come to a point in life that all my clothes, actions, words, friends, or anything else was labeled “dike stuff”. My mother didn’t help this either and so with all the fuss and muss, I decided to take on this new role that everyone had put me in. I didn’t like the name since it came off really derogatory. It almost sounded like “slut”, “whore”, or “bitch”. So I fought with someone every time I heard it. That is until I was called this very dirty dark name by a very gorgeous and sexy curvy long haired girl who seemed to touch me in all the right places. She seemed to do everything that I had been craving for a girl to do to me for as long as I could remember. When mother was gone, I had this whole new secret life that I lived as a “dike”. This girl had a dominance that sent me for a mental spin when she touched me. She said things that actually made sense to me. When she spoke she always grazed my skin or hair with her touch or breath.

I knew it! I was different! This was right! This is what my whole life has been searching for! Being my first, I fell hard and deep for this lovely Venus. I thought this would be the beginning to really getting to know the real me. If this is what being a “dike” was about, then by golly I’m in!

After some time had passed, I learned she was a very sexual creature and it wasn’t only with me. She actually craved guys and would tell me about it. I became more and more challenged to win her one on one, but disgusted by her actually liking them and what they did to her. The way she described things was just downright wrong in my eyes. I couldn’t even bring myself to pretend I was getting wet by her details. I couldn’t bring myself into enough thought to figure out how she could lower herself to such a level to allow men to do these things to her. I had convinced myself that I had to save her. I tried for years in and out of relationships with her, to bring her to “my side” to show her the fruits were so much better. I bought her things, took her places, told her things, tried things for her that disgusted me, and still I couldn’t pull her out of this nasty life she claimed she loved so much. Finally she said something I will never forget and it changed my thoughts and feelings forever. She said, “I love you and you are so HOT and SEXY, but I can’t and won’t live without the DICK!”

I was so crushed and torn and couldn’t bring myself to think of anything positive from that point on. It took me a long long time of picking myself back up to realize not all women were like this. I did however sustain my ultimate lifelong built 20 foot tall brick walls surrounded by steel so that no other sexy female could prance into my life and throw me to a wall and make me fall head over heels for her. I had many more experiences with women and somehow brought myself to keep up the family image of being with men as well. I found it easier and easier as time went by to be with men when I was drunk or had been drinking. It seemed to make everything so much better and more sustainable. The drinking never bothered anyone simply because everyone was doing it. So it was never a problem or a red flag to anyone. The benefits of the drinking also brought more women. Just like in high school when you tickle a girl and she laughs and lets you keep doing it regardless of where you are tickling, I found that the more women drank … the more they would open up and try things. They would touch and caress and dance and fondle and finally kiss. The interesting thing is, it was all OK because they would instantly say, “well of course I did, I was drunk!”

This was great for a long while. I could have both worlds and it didn’t hurt anything or anyone. I could be with a man for my family’s sake and make it look great. Then when I wanted a female, go out drinking and let shots of liquor fly. Wow! What an experience! The trouble with this however; became my emotional attachment. I got to the point that I was so comfortable being with women, that I wanted to do it sober too. Major air brakes!! The women would not have anything to do with me when they were sober. Well this caused me to not want anything to do with my man either when I was sober. Following quickly were more problems and arguments.

I stayed in the closet for many years keeping my little secret for when I was drinking. I caught myself treating guys the same way the women would treat me. Only wanting touching or kissing when we were drinking. So I ended my relationships the best that I could while trying to keep my mother happy. She always seemed to completely understand except when she would follow any bad break up with some blind date she proudly set up with some rich guy. I never went to them! Of course it would always upset and offended her but, get her drinking again and viola! She was all happy and laughing. Sooner or later I finally came to the conclusion I wasn’t good enough for women to like me sober. I must be ugly or smell funny or not cool. So I began my search for my normalcy once again as a straight girl.

Several rocky roads of alcohol and drug parties later, I found my first marriage. I’m not sure to this day what brought me into this nasty abusive relationship, but I can tell you I found pain pills and alcohol to be my best friend through the whole thing. I ended up having some pretty raunchy downright wrong sexual experiences with him and unfortunately wasn’t a damn bit sober or sometimes even awake throughout the whole thing. I was very badly sexually raped and abused while sleeping and kept drugged up so bad I had to have him to even help me to take a shower, bath, get dressed, and sometimes eat. I didn’t realize the amount of abuse that was going on at the time since I focused all my energy on the child of ours that was born.

I wasn’t able to contact family, whom I felt didn’t love me for me anyway. I wasn’t able to go to the store or even work a job without him being there watching me or going with me the whole way. Something I discovered later into the relationship was very troubling to me. I learned that not only was he drugging me and sexually abusing me, but he was also taking pictures of me while he was doing it. He took pictures of me sleeping, drunk, in showers, and several different circumstances at his friends’ homes. I also found out that he was actively sharing them on the internet and through his phone. This was all found out by complete accident. I had asked to use his phone one day to call my brother. Surprisingly he actually threw it to me right before he walked out the door to go to the store and told me that he would be back in just a few minutes. He told me that better be the only phone call he finds. So when he left I attempted a call to my brother. There was no answer and in a panic I called frantically again. There was no answer. So I finally gave up and hung up. When I got off the phone, I notice a naked picture of me on the screen. I also noticed a whole bunch of messages waiting. So out of pure curiosity I looked and found a whole bunch of pictures of me in many many situations. All of these were with my eyes closed passed out in some way.

It took a long time to get through it, but a few physical beatings topped some pretty verbal accusations and led to a phone call to the police. He turned me in for assault and battery. I had talked the officers and brought it down to his word against mine and told them I wasn’t going to file a complaint. Unfortunately they didn’t believe a word I had to say… and frankly after being called a liar my whole life by everyone I knew when I told them the things that happened to me, I wasn’t surprised the law was no different. I finally left him for good and unfortunately he kept my son until later down the road.

Once again I had family arguments of why I left my man and why my son wasn’t with me and why I kept lying about my husband. Once again I was shoved into this deep dark corner of secrets that became my sex pool of lies to be with women any way I could. If that meant go drinking and get with them, then that’s what I did. If that meant get high to get with them, then that’s what I did. If that meant disgusting threesomes with men to be with them, then that’s what I did. All the while I was trying to develop some huge wall of emotional protection that kept me from being hurt ever again. My imagination would create its own protection with little visions of actual togetherness with these women. When we went to stores, I tried to keep my head up and joke around in public, just so I could imagine I had a woman by my side.

I eventually found the right women that were into me at least in the “underground” world. It wasn’t full-time but it was more than I’d had before and I didn’t have to put up with men. So I had my guy buddies during the day to hang out with and fight off with a stick. Then I would have my woman or women at night anyway I wanted them. I learned to treasure these nights anyway I could. I got to the point; I wasn’t living at home anymore. I was getting questions all over of where I was going and why all the time. My mother, whom I couldn’t lie to, finally started catching on and definitely didn’t like it! She constantly got on me and lectured me about God and spirituality and the difference between right and wrong. I would generally shove these conversations aside since the only God she herself told me she knew was, “at the bottom of her can”. So these conversations she tried to strike up didn’t faze me anymore.

I finally had it made! I didn’t have any men to deal with. I didn’t have anybody abusing me. I didn’t have any rules to live up to. I was accepted for who I was. At least at night, with the lights off, when no one was around, when my girl was drinking or high, but hey… it was awesome!!

In my grand stupor of self-absorption and pity, I went out drinking in public with one of my girls one night. After closing the bar down, we stopped in at a park and started to play like little children only smelling like booze. As the fresh air kicked in more and more the alcohol kicked our butts and I felt the need to smoke a cigarette. So whilst my drunken mate was attempting to come out of her secret world and proclaim real love to me for a real relationship, I screamed out to strangers for nicotine. Finally when I got an answer I had a strong buzz that helped my confidence and I called the gentlemen over. There began the road to my second marriage.

His name didn’t matter since it changed per person you talked to. His reputation was that of a star in Hollywood. He had his fans that loved him and wanted him and others that just wanted to have sex with him. He was known everywhere we went by someone who saw or smoked or drank with him somewhere. His actions shouted anarchy and his voice quieted a room with his uncalled for and totally censored jokes. You’d swear he was on speed all the time for how much he bounced around and paced all day and all night. He took hits off cigarettes that made you think it was his last breath all the time. When he walked regardless of where he was or what he was wearing, he had this sly stride that whispered Sexy. He had a history of being the kind of “player” that girls and guys lined up for. When he entered a room, it was like the party light came on and everyone all this sudden had their own hidden invitations. Even though all this was very apparent to me in this lovely little heterosexual relationship we started, he always treated me like no one or nothing else existed! His smooth talk and slow but well guided hands seemed to only want and need me. All his secret fantasies were centered on my descriptions and likes. Even his well-played party friends seemed to just know, “I was the one”.

The star treatment was kind of cool for a while and got a little addicting. I had more friends than I could count and so many people totally respected me now! This was such a dream come true! Maybe I was supposed to be with a man, just didn’t find the right one? So I lived the star life for a while and with his high paying jobs and lots of legal fees ended up getting my son back from my ex. I now had all that I could ever ask for… right? Well time went on and the star treatment started to get real old. We couldn’t go anywhere or do anything without being stopped by somebody to hear of some stupid thing that occurred at some stupid party. The conversations were all one-sided and seemed to take forever! I got to the point that I was getting so tired of it; I got an attitude every time it occurred. Which I have to remind you, was ALOT! Again with the understanding in the first place, I took on this relationship and did the best I could to reap the benefits where they seemed to show up. I gained some real feelings for this guy and somewhere between the arguments I felt at “home”.

However; something still seemed to be missing and once again, I caught myself glancing at women. I reacted when a woman smiled at me. I allowed touching by women when I shouldn’t have. I loved the idea of watching the LGBTQ channels on TV and became glued to the TV. My husband reacted well at first. He was very supportive and playful and even admitted he knew I was into women before he got with me. He claimed he would be very supportive of it and that our relationship could still exist. So for years I tried to stay in denial of what he was allowing or claiming, but got caught off guard many times and ended up with little quickies here and fantasies there. He pushed and pushed for years to allow me to cross over to my real self and claimed he would be there regardless and love me regardless. Well our little “shade” of happiness seemed to work for a while. I guess you could say about five years actually. Then all the exceptions and hidden realities of our relationship crashed.

He hid in his drinking and on his computer with little secret women here and there that craved DICK. I accepted a separation on a few occasions and allowed myself back into the female world. On an emotional end we were struggling real bad to make sense of things. On a financial end, we were dying and needed to bring our family back to life. During this wonderful five-year relationship, we conceived a beautiful baby boy that we both wrapped our love and devotion around. Everything we said and did from that point on regardless of what we “secretly” thought of became all about our boys! So our relationship continued into more drinking and finally came to a crazy conclusion that the money he was making on the boats wasn’t worth the grief and pain and suffering. We decided the military seemed more intelligent and congenial. Money wise we were told he would be shipped out and we could make our family survive. So with some phone conversations and pen to the paper later, we got him in the military.

All military men and women come to that ship out day that sends them to boot camp. Well our day came sooner and became more involved because his education was more important at the time and they offered exactly what he needed. So off he went to a higher education. During his departure he claimed on several occasions that he didn’t expect me to emotionally survive alone when he shipped out and didn’t have any problems with me exploring my sexuality more in his absence. Once again, I fought it and fought it until he brought me to a faded memory while he was gone.

You see, my husband carried many jobs during his marriage to me. He had problems keeping every one of them for some reason or the other. I always tried to be supportive and understanding, but after a few years… it got old. I will however say I should have questioned my marriage to him a little further when it was barely after the birth of our son, that I met the absolute woman of my dreams!

I came to one of his places of employment to drop something off to him and was offered to share a cigarette. I took this plight suggestion with ease until I laid eyes on the breath-taking beauty that was walking right beside him lighting up a cigarette as well. I couldn’t help but stare and catch myself hard of breath. I started to shake and become completely overwhelmed and useless for any type of conversation. I knew I was married but for some reason, my whole life went in a spin and I seemed to be completely paralyzed by her smile. The way she lit her cigarette and took a hit while looking me straight in the eyes followed by a keen smile just made me ultimately forget why I was actually there. It was like I didn’t know my name anymore. I know it sounds strange and a little overdone, but I was head over heels in love right there! I had never felt this way about anyone before. I questioned myself a million ways stupid until finally my mental connection was reestablished and my husband introduced his lesbian friend to me.

I can remember taking the biggest deep breath I have ever taken in my life that day. I swear it took minutes before I finally exhaled. Then when I did I happened to glance down and notice a ring on her finger. Could it seriously be? I finally felt real and deeper than I have ever felt in such a strange momentous occurrence and now it was too late? I finally came back to reality glancing at my finger as well accepting a light for my cigarette. My dreams and fantasies, my delusion of faith that I was being real to myself, and myself justice for an honest conscience brought me back to my marriage to my husband and our beautiful boys. I stood my ground but like a sponge. Taking in all her smiles, words, fragrance that the wind brought me, and the pure glances I got sparkling my way; I accepted fate and came true to the fact we were both married and it would never be. This was all very real to me and I respected this for years and left it alone, until fate brought it back.

You see when my husband left for the military and finally convinced me to explore my sexuality with his support and comfort right there beside me, he left someone in particular in my line of vision. The same breath-taking beauty that I had seen years ago was now right in front of me with this same ring on her finger, but now without the attachment or so I thought.

Several severe and dangerous emotional outbursts left me running away from my home on several occasions with my boys. I had made many phone calls and came to no real conclusion that was safe for my boys and me. Then one day I was shopping with my boys and came across someone familiar. I noticed a blonde female with a cart full of stuff crossing my path glancing with anticipation every chance she could. When I finally got the confidence to speak up, I was informed she and her girlfriend were broken up and she was looking for another. Some descent conversation brought us to the conclusion that this may work for both of us. I could explore my sexuality more and she had someone on the side during her and her girlfriend’s separation.

Well one of my lovely visits to her home with my children, we were having quite the conversation and she received a text that made her panic. When I asked her why she was panicking, she informed me her ex-girlfriend was coming home. What I shock I received at that moment! Not only was I in the motion of trying to hook up with this chick at the inviting of her home, but now her ex-girlfriend was on the way home. Her ex-girlfriend being someone I knew for some time. After being told she was seeing someone else and wouldn’t be home anytime soon, I started a huge panic and got my emotions confused from fear to excitement. I didn’t understand what I was feeling anymore. I couldn’t figure out why my heart wouldn’t stop pounding so fast. I couldn’t convince myself to show some type of involvement to this lovely blonde before I flew out the door.

I totally thought I was safe in the car with my kids and on the way down the road. Then I pulled in a little party store nearby and being so close, just ran in for a minute for a pop. When I came back out and started in reverse, I heard this tire screeching halt to my right side. Speechless once again, I stumbled for words or actions or noise or anything that didn’t give away the total shock that filled me head to toe. My gorgeous breath-taking beauty had returned and quickly found me in awe over her presence. Conversation short but sweet with her little wink and silent promise, brought me back to the little home I was trying so hard to escape from.

Several bouts of laughter and conversations later, I found myself in a love triangle. I did everything I could to keep it calm and happy so I could collect my thoughts and emotions about it all. The longer it lasted, the more I craved more attention from HER. I wished for more alone time and treasured the few moments I felt her touch when they made their way my direction. My conversations with my husband got fewer and fewer as he got deeper and deeper into his military training. I was over at their home just about every day after a while and no longer felt threatened by my severely dangerous roommate. I was happier than I ever thought I could be. Until the extreme jealousy came about and the doubts creeped in and then the worst of all… arguments that turned in to door slamming anger. I later learned they were moving and had to come to terms with the fact that I was nothing but a fill in until they had the chance to make up and leave the state.

One last night of pure fun and laughter we had some drinking involved and somewhere way down deep I gained a small slice of confidence. I waiting till me and my girl were alone and professed my feelings to her. Total mistake! I was slowly and silently pushed away after the most intriguing and heartfelt passionate kiss I have ever received. I feel literally seemed to float right of the floor and a couple of minutes last hours with the perfect lighting and the perfect music. I really thought I might be getting somewhere, but I was pushed to the side and played with only when the one girl felt the need to do so. I tried staying in for the hope that my girl would come around, but she stayed true regardless of the hurt and pain she shared that she’d been through.

So through their departure, I vowed to cut all ties and move on. Yeah right! When your heart is really involved, you can’t just shut someone out no matter how far away they are. I had continued conversations with them after their departure and began to look forward to the phone calls from my girl even if they were to just vent about their relationship. Her soothing voice would flow into my ears calming me and mine often comforted her. Several phone conversations later, my girl convinced me to come visit them in their new home. So I lined up a babysitter and took some money and flew out to them.

I had a good week filled with time and adventure planned, but ended up in the middle of huge amounts of jealousy and once again door slamming arguments. I took my last chance at the end of my visit and professed one more time to the woman of my dreams how I felt. Then once again ignored, pushed away, and played with here and there for fun… I left. When I returned home I kept some parts of conversation open, but mostly with my girl. I felt so bad for how she was treated and kept trying to convince myself that if given the chance I could do so much better for her. I finally kept all feelings to myself from that point forward. In one last mind game I discovered and became the pawn of a scheme drawn up by HER girlfriend.

My girl was apparently at work when the other kept me in two separate conversations pretending to be both of them on separate lines. Trying to be supportive both ways, I kept both their conversations a secret from each other. It lasted about 2 hours until I finally started to feel a bit of what seemed like a connection with my girl. Words I never thought I would see came across the screen with hopes and dreams arising that she had seen the light. Words telling me she couldn’t handle the bullshit anymore. Once again in shock I began believing what I was reading and reacting the best I could without the other conversation realizing what was going on. Well, I got smacked in the face with a 2 hour mind game by one single two-faced jealous female. She had played both sides of the conversation so well that I fell into her little emotional trap without even knowing my girl was never there. Finally she came out of her hidden two-faced shell and admitted it was her the whole time and proclaimed hatred and anger toward me. Told me she had to find out the “truth”.

So when my girl did finally show up or so I was told again, I lived through the single most depressing day of my life. I broke all communication with both and didn’t know who I could trust anymore. So I buried myself back into the bottle and a two hit night. I cried myself to sleep on another female’s shoulder and began to convince myself it was all a test to see how strong my marriage really was. Once again I continued myself drawn vision of my perfect marriage and my beautiful boys and our lovely little life.

Being self drawn, my little vision lost ideas of perfect pictures and began to fade day after day. Separation was seen in the near future and more of our little side relationships began to sprout to make sense of our now open relationship. Our walls were building up more and more and the alcohol once again poured in more and more. Till finally I called it quits and noticed he couldn’t. The alcohol got so bad with him; he came to a legal halt with fines and probation. Still living together and somewhat sleeping in the same bed, we were like perfect strangers and that only had interest in each other when there were pain pills or alcohol. I tried convincing myself all the time that it wasn’t just his feminine ways that kept me drawn to him. It was his manliness that kept me encased in this long loving relationship. However; the more and more we fought the further and further we pulled apart. Yet still I had parts of me that wanted so bad to be that dream girl of his so he could be my dream guy. I held onto the bit of love that was left. For some reason even though way down deep I knew he had cheated on me in our relationship on more than one occasion, I kept repeating my love for him and hanging on as tight as I could.

Well all good things must come to an end right? Well that’s what I’ve been told anyway. What seemed like great exciting news turned into an emotional nightmare? I had this awesome best friend that I’d known for 15 years. Through a lot of drama and miscommunications, we were pulled apart for 5 years. Then suddenly she came back and it was like the old days again. My biggest fear was her and my husband’s severe hatred for each other. Neither of them liked each other and always talked real bad crap about the other. So when I saw my chance to have her back, I was real careful to make deals with both. I stated they were to get along for me. I stated they were to act like nothing of the past existed just for me. I made it clear that I was going to make this work. With me working full-time and her visiting my home, it left my unemployed ex-military husband and my 15 year best friend alone.

I would have thought considering the circumstances that this was not a problem. They both couldn’t stand each other and both were head strong not to lose me to the other. You see I had a bit of history with my best friend as all friends’ do. We did some drinking here and there and on occasion she was one of my love ventures that I hoped would find me more desirable than a man. Once again it didn’t happen. I was an experiment for her just as much as she was a hope for me. All the time we spent together at each other’s homes, friend’s homes, parties, and late night stupidity to keep each other awake. Granted we were completely opposite when it came down to it. She was into the men, drugs, parties, sex, and whatever anarchist music she could find. I was into women, little parties, no drugs, and little bits of alcohol, and some sex but only with women if I could help it. However, somewhere somehow we still remained best friends and tried each other’s dreams and experiments from quickies to threesomes. Always ended badly and always ended up on the “it never happened” table. So within all this activity I fell for her hard. Of course when I came out to her, she seemed all for it. Oh that was until another man came along.

So when my husband heard of this, he was immediately worried about me leaving him for this mind playing little bitch. Especially after she believed all this stupid stuff that was said about me letting some CSE live under my roof that had ruined her life with her kids. Not sure how a best friend believes some abusive liar she’s with over her own time well spent never lied to best friend, but I guess the sex was good enough to deal with it. So I lost her for 5 years and got my husband. However in the same turn, she heard of me being with him and swore off our friendship in return because her CSE and my husband used to be best friends. So in return of the emotions, she wanted nothing to do with me or him and made it clear!

So of course through all of this, I’m a very loving caring and forgiving person that people have always found a way to walk on, lie to, cheat on, use, and abuse. I always find the good in them so I forgive very easily or so I used to!

So one fine night I’m sitting on the couch watching an awesome series you may be familiar with, “Twilight”. I was watching it with my best friend and my father in law whom I’ve come to fully accept and know as my one and only dad! We were having our usual social drink of the night. Well my awesome best friend fell asleep and my husband was at work and me and dad were done watching Twilight, but didn’t want to go to bed. So we found Gremlins to accompany our night-time behavior. Then I felt a vibration near my leg since my “sister” fell asleep on my lap and tried to ignore it the best I could. Then noise came from the same direction that the vibration was at and it got louder and louder and louder and finally I couldn’t stand it anymore and went looking for the noise. Lo and behold it was her cell phone. I thought for a moment about this venture I may be going into and took a deep breath to gather my thoughts. When I finally brought myself to shut off the noise, a text screen showed up.

Not just any text screen however… one with a very intriguing and sexual conversation between none other than my best friend (sister) and my lovely loyal husband of 5 years. I started to shake uncontrollably and hyperventilating at the same time. All of a sudden I wanted to know what all was being said and how long they had talked. I felt too hurt, deceived, lied to, ashamed of them, and so many other things that came through my head. My stomach started to hurt and I no longer felt the need or want to drink only smoke. Dad noticed my behavior real quick and asked what was wrong. I handed the phone over and began to discuss my feelings and next course of action.

We went out on the porch for a cigarette or three by the time my emotions allowed me to breathe and think. Then came to the conclusion that I had to face her and ask her about it. So when I walked back in I woke her up and asked her about it. First of all I got complete attitude and denial. Then I mentioned the phone and the text that I saw and all emotions pointed to hurt and shame. I’m not sure if she was as shameful as she put off, but I pretended for at least that night that she was and tried to accept her apology that she claimed was real and there for the whole 3 or 4 four packs of cigarettes and many hours I sat in tears and pain on the back porch frozen with hatred.

I’m not sure how shameful and sorry she really was at the time, but I convinced myself for the remaining hours of my completed emptiness that she was. The sad part is I was more hurt by her lying to me for a whole month of being under my roof and listening to my cries and pain of our relationship and fears than I was of my 5 year relationship gone badly. I was used to the cheating and going behind my back behaviors with him. I even told her he was going to eventually come onto her and gave her the signs and what to expect. Little did I know it was all a note taking process to prepare her for his final seductive debut?

I received a few texts and pics from her thanking me for my understanding and forgiveness and ultimately realizing that she wasn’t perfect, but she couldn’t help but have feelings for him. I guess that what I got for trusting them both on car rides to doctors appointments and job interviews that finally led to real jobs. She offered to drive him all over since I worked all the time and he didn’t have a license. Come to think of it, they were together just about all the time every day. So between my warnings and quiet conversations with my husband they held their own little secret behind the scenes at Wal-Mart.

The real stab to the heart was I found this out just a day after my birthday. Well lucky for me I did receive a certain text from a strange number toward the end of this adulterous game being played on me. I almost didn’t respond since I don’t like forwards and feel they are a complete waste of my time. For some reason this one caught my eye and I couldn’t for the life of me, figure out the area code on the text. So despite my usual thought process, I finally responded with, “who is this?” The remaining conversations led into a whisper from the past once again. This time however it was a delightful whisper from the past. Her voice once more crept into my yearning ears. I anticipated every word that came from her like I was waiting for my next piece of treasure to drop. My heart pounded loudly or so it seemed to me. Excitement from all angles of my life started pouring in. I couldn’t believe it was her and she was actually single and well, talking to me.

She seemed very excited to hear my voice and I knew my excitement was a dead giveaway. I tried to bury my hope and dreams under the carpet to be sympathetic to her new situation. It was my duty as this awesome hidden little well accomplished friendship developed to be just that… a friend. So when my life came tumbling down in what seemed like the biggest earth shattering quake of emotions I had ever experienced, it was nice to make a friendly phone call to my friend. Granted the phone call lasted a while and at the end of it that finally regretfully came, I felt a bit better that I was not alone in going through this. I had my friend and my dad to fall back on and rely on.

Well as the dreadful time rolled on, more and more details came about of their feelings toward each other and their secret relationship, as well as more conversations that took place between me and my friend for longer and longer periods of time. It finally came to the point that we only hung up as we were passing out on each other or at work. I did find a crazy little secret way of keeping her on the phone while I was at work as well. Good thing I had friends and family on my plan or that would have been one very expensive friendship. Little to my surprise it would have been worth the money since I ended up accepting this little rendezvous that occurred between the two closest people in my life and they began to emotionally support this bit of excitement that came every time I heard my phone go off.

Well what started out a really great friendship did end up being a little more after each phone call and finally with a bit of Brandy to help me, I slipped and said the “L” word. I didn’t realize at first that I had said it out loud until she asked me to repeat what I said. Of course I played stupid so well, why not continue while I’ve been drinking. I kept the single denial that I had any clue what I had said while silently in my mental status I was beating myself up. I had feared so bad of messing up this “thing” we had going, that I did everything I could to continue to be supportive of her problems with her ex and she seemed to do everything she could to keep my mind off of mine. With each other’s continued support came many more open conversations and somehow we managed to fit our conversations and texts so much into each other’s lives that it became custom to hear one another on the phone in all that we did in our day.

More and more feelings seeped through with each conversation and more and more details came out about each others’ past. Then when all came to a very comfortable hope, an invite was suggested to me. I had all the people in my life including the woman of my dreams telling me to go visit her ASAP. I knew what this could mean and I didn’t want to hold any expectations for it since all she would talk about was wanting a chance with this woman that she lived with. She told me how she loved to be around her and she made her feel like a queen. She described the massages and the pampering. She told me in detail of how this woman cooked for her and cleaned for her and how she made sure every waking moment she was home that she was happy and comfortable. So I thought for sure if anything were to happen between us, it wouldn’t mean anything near what I wanted it to mean.

So finally with a wake up surprise, I was told I had a plane ticket to go see “my girl” waiting for me and I was not to back out or they would both KILL me. Wow!!! What was I going to do now? How was I going to think? How was I going to act? What was I going to expect? Well, I will tell you one thing. When I did tell “my girl” that I was coming to her home to see her and the ticket was already bought, she brightened up so much that she could have put a Christmas tree to shame. Her voice was lighter and happier and she seemed to be planning more and more possibilities for us when I got there. This was a reaction I definitely didn’t expect. I still didn’t keep any hopes alive though, because I was bound and determined to NOT get hurt this time! So when the day came, I went to see her smiling sexy smile one more time.

With clear unexpected impatience I began counting down the minutes before I landed on the ground where I was to meet my breath-taking beauty one last time eye to eye… just me and her… with no strings or drama in between. When I finally came out of the door to meet my long hopeful romantic moment of my glimpse of heaven, I was overwhelmed and totally shocked with the longest, biggest, deepest, most passionate kiss and embrace I had ever received in my life. I swear my toes curled so well that my shoes no longer fit right. I got such a high from the passion between us that all my worries and doubts and clear depressive emotions drifted away. Was this finally it? Was this my moment to shine? Was this what my whole life has been waiting for? Was this how I was meant to feel after all? Was this moment the one that I had pictured so clear the first day I met her? Were these feelings so real that her touch alone brought me to the same sincere clarity that I had gotten the first time I laid eyes on her? How could it be? How could I have held onto such a real emotion from so many years ago and kept them so hidden that upon a real embrace I down deep she was FINALLY MINE?

That week though short seemed so filled with love and passion and pure undoubted devotion to one another. I never felt more connected in my life. I felt a part of me come through that I had tried to hide my entire life with the shame I was taught to hold. For once in my life I did do something for me and about me and only me and for once in my life it seemed to be right! I don’t know how to explain this or even what to say, but it was “Love at first sight” years ago and when I saw her and felt her and smelt her and had her in my arms, it all made sense! I did love her and everything she stood for. I had an AMAZING three days and through it all… marked the occasion with a very important and unique tattoo. A lot of things were discovered between us and a lot of hopes and dreams and passions and truths came out about everything we both had been through. She told me of the terrible 9 years she was tortured by her ex. from the lies and cheating to all the head games and complete control that was forced on her. I ended up telling her everything that I knew and what I was told and saw or experienced with her ex. The next thing we knew, it was very clear that we both got played and lied to and cheated on and put against each other by a very very jealous psychotic type personality that we both seemed to regret even being with.

Our passion grew and grew and our time well spent came to an end with tears fighting to come to our eyes. I had a little boy who my heart begged for trying everything in his power to keep it together and the love of my life putting out a front for his sake. The three of us had such a great time and felt like such a real family that I had a humongous promise made to me by them both. On the departing day, I was told they would be home for Valentine’s Day. With missing a beat, I told them not to worry and don’t rush anything. I repeated what my mother always taught me and what’s brought me through life to this day, “If it’s meant to be, it will be!” With that I pulled away from them both holding my breath with every bit of emotional energy I had left and waved good-bye.

When I got back on the plane, I knew what I wanted now. I knew way down deep that I couldn’t live without them. I knew it would be further torture to not have that same passion and love and devotion in my life every day. I did what I could to keep my extreme feelings a secret, but when I got back home it was more than apparent that everyone knew. My kids begged to see her and my dad couldn’t wait to share a night of bonding with me. Everyone sat in silence, including the two so-called most important people in my life waiting impatiently for details of their arrival.

Once again we continued hours and hours of conversations on the phone where ever we went it was together. Her ex came down to visit one last time and all my nerves began to twitch. I didn’t trust her and I didn’t want her near my girl. I knew what she put her through for 9 years and frankly I wasn’t putting up with her doing anything else to her. So I made it a very real point when I refused to get off the phone with her every moment of every day that she was there. My love told me multiple times how she loved having me on the phone while she was there and that she was getting more and more furious as the days went by. I continued as many long nights and days of complete serenity on the phone with my girl and new boy. Finally a phone call came through that took things to a whole new level.

My lovely Violet got a very disturbing phone call about a family member that was supposed to come out and visit and then bring her home, but this phone call wasn’t news of her leaving. She was informed of her very important dear loved one being in the hospital. This turned everything around very quickly! Valentine’s Day became Christmas and I’d almost swear it didn’t even last that long. My sweetheart was coming home!! She put in her three weeks and prepped everyone around her that she was taking her boy and going home for her family.  She didn’t leave without one last carefully planned detail though. Hours before their departure she made one last stop and shocked me once again. I had heard her say it, but didn’t really think she’d go through with it. She placed the same tattoo on herself that I did on myself and in the same place. She too marked the occasion with true devotion.

The ride home took longer and longer the more I was unable to talk to my girl. Knowing she was in the same vehicle with that psychotic lying female, just took me to whole new levels of anger. Especially after being informed that she tried to come on to my girl and get her to sleep with her on numerous occasions while she was visiting knowing that my girl was no longer interested. Then had the balls to get my girl’s name tattooed on her neck of all spots to show her undying love and devotion that she obviously didn’t realize was more of an obsession. So I was not a happy camper when I was informed they were going to be riding in the vehicle together very close for the next 24 hours.

When night fall came and I couldn’t get a hold of my girl anymore, I went into panic mode. I started calling and texting nonstop hoping for a glimpse that she was ok. I knew the truck was having issues and I didn’t want the thought of my new little boy being hurt to fall into my brain anymore. So after the few hours of phone calls, I finally got a hold of her. I was informed she dropped the Psycho off and was now stuck in a town about 20 minutes from my home. In a panic I grabbed my dad we went for a ride to go get my girl. When we got there I couldn’t believe my eyes! It was finally here! The day of my dream come true! I got the biggest hug and kiss from both my lady and my boy and couldn’t wait to get them home warm away from the winter breeze.

When my we finally got home and unpacked what needed to be, there was so much to say and so much time to say it in. We both looked each other in the eyes and said Merry Christmas! Though it was only a few hours till midnight, she had given the best Christmas present a soul could ask for. I had everything I could have ever wanted that night; a wonderful caring father, three beautiful boys, and a very gorgeous lovely Violet to share this wonderful moment with.

A whisper from the past became a hope for the future and “Love at first sight” has become a silent hope and promise of “Till death do us part”. Though none of us have officially said it yet, I know after almost a year of being together that it lies quietly, patiently, purely waiting for the one day… the one moment… the one single chance to come true..

The question becomes this: Why should the world care about a subject so silent in even our lives, that all we hear are single little promises to each other knowing our love for each other is all that really matters?

So have I been honored enough to feel the grand finale of a kiss? Have I sworn to see the reflection of fireworks in her eyes when our embrace is so strong? Does she still give me chills when she touches me even a single year later? Do I anticipate any chance of communication I can get whether voice or text every moment of every day? Do I think I understand what it is to have my heart stop or skip a beat when all she does is smile? Does my body have uncontrollable amounts of heat generate when we are lying together in bed just enjoying each other’s presence? Do I really know for sure that meeting her was fate and definitely “Love at first sight”? Did the last year of my life suddenly bring all other events of my life into place? Was this feeling I had at the age of 7 really the JUST phase I was told it would be?

What do you think?

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About Lena Rai

Lena Rai is a lesbian of the LTBB Tribe who lives just under the Mackinaw Bridge. She lives with her partner going on two years and they both share 3 beautiful boys. Lena’s an established poet and an upcoming novelist. Her work has been published in The international Library of Poetry. She’s also had an award winning essay entitled, The Accomplishments of Gerald R. Ford as President of the United States for the Gerald R. Ford renaming ceremony in Grand Rapids, MI. She’s also the author of two self published books of poetry, “Voices Silently Speak” and “Whispering a Lady’s Secret”.

Posted on November 11, 2013, in Love Life, Viewer Discretion Advised and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Comments Off.

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